July 5

It's been awhile -- I've been caught up in life with the mom tasks. I must admit I had been battling some inner demons recently, too.

Kuya had been circumcised already. All my lessons and experiences on wound care didn't prepare me for this one. It seems like everything was new to me.😅 Well, being a mom means having a first time for everything, too, so 🤷‍♀️😆.

We also finished Kuya's modules for Grade 1. After a lot of internal struggles regarding the teacher's instructions, we were able to submit everything. Now, we are trying to catch up on Math. I know we can do this, kuya! I believe in you! :) The Lord has wondrous plans for you and, while it might be hard at times, I'm taking on the responsibility that God has given me -- to teach you and guide you in as much as I can, to prepare you to become independent.

Done also with enrollment for Iya and Miko. We were rushed, well, I dilly-dallied on this, sorry! ✌ But someone gave away their old books for free so we didn't have to buy for Miko. That was Php6000-worth of books!! Thank You, Lord, for the blessing! I hope you bless that family more, Lord. In return, we also shared your old books to younger users.... and we bought new books for leisure reading hahaha

Lastly, I've been through a dark place recently. Maybe I'll talk about it another time, maybe I won't. I'm just glad I was able to go through that rut. I'm better now. Thoughts still creep in but not as worse as before. Now I am reminded of my purpose, my new dreams. Before it was just me, me, me. I want to go to Egypt, I want to do whatever I want. But now that I'm a parent, the dreams change. Bonoy Gonzaga put it on point when he said every parent dreams of giving their children a much better life than they ever had -- that certainly hit the mark. So all the sacrifices, all the missed "fun" stuff -- they all seemed irrelevant. Now I remind myself that yeah, you three are the priority. And you three are the reason why dad and I work so hard. To give you a better life than we had.

So what a month it has been. I hope yours had been easier than mine was. I'm just a phone call or visit away if you need someone to talk to, someone to listen, or just someone to hug you and tell you that everything is going to be all right. I love you!! 

fighting!!

Since you told me I was always sleeping, I'm happy to report that I've fought off laziness and sleepiness this weekend.

I only had like 1.5 hours of siesta and was very productive with our personal action items. Brought Iya and Miko to the dentist. Kuya and I were able to catch up on our school work (2 subjects to go!) I even made tuna carbonara for dinner! And squeezed in exercise time!

Thank You, Lord, for giving me strength this week. 

sorry again

I was crappy last night again. Snapping over the noise the door makes. I'm sorry :(

:(

Last Saturday, I opened up to dad about this impulse-control disorder that I think I might have (not naming it here for now). I've noticed this since I was young, but it has become more evident now that I'm an adult.

I was so ashamed of myself because I didn't know how dad would react. But, to be honest, it felt really good knowing that he knows, and that I could talk to him when the impulse strikes again. I know this will help curb the impulse and I won't have to feel guilty afterwards.

Dad was, uhm, hesitant to believe. But in the end, he reminded me that everything will be ok and that I could talk to him about it.

Mental health is something I prioritize now. This thing is actually said to be associated with other impulsive disorders, anxiety and depression. I really pray that God cleanses you from all these geneological sicknesses. I hope you be mentally, physically and emotionally healthy. I will be here to support you and love you all the way.

Who will separate us from Christ’s love? Will we be separated by trouble, or distress, or harassment, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword?

Romans 8:35 CEB

https://bible.com/bible/37/rom.8.35.CEB

....

Today you told me I sleep all the time. Like the whole day. And that I don't spend time with you.

I just want you to know that I'm trying. Trying my best to fight the battles within me.

I'm sorry guys... there are a lot of things I can do better at.

March 19, 2021

You make me so proud. Always. 😘

Te amo!

Welcome back

What a hiatus! We've been silent for a long time. I almost forgot about this blog. But you were asking for your godparents so I had to dig up this old thing and make you kwento of why I started this. Told you that when I'm gone, you can just read up on my old stories here.

So here I am again, making kwento. I love you guys, never forget that. Always look after one another. May God bless you and keep you 😘😘

VER results anniversary 2014

"Dedicate to Me all your oldest children." Exodus 13:2 CEB

It was really fitting that we named you after Jesus, son. You have taught us humility and gratitude, and have been the cause of our joy even at our darkest hour. Happy VER results anniversary, my first love, and blessed be the name of the Lord! :)

I love the way you look at me 😄

Dear 60-year-old me

Dear Kaye,

First off, this year, our birthday falls on an Easter Day. Isn't it fitting that the Catholic day for rebirth and new beginnings coincide with the year that we turn 30?

How are the kids? I'm sure they are all grownups now, with lives of their own. I sure hope they still call and visit you. How is Darwin? Have you fulfilled your visions of sitting at the front porch together and just watch/make fun of people as they walk by?

Right now, the kids are 5, 2 and 3 months. Do you remember them at this age? God, they are a handful! You can never work from home properly, the house is topsy turvy and someone is almost always shouting. But you know what? We got ourselves the most adorable and lovable right here. More on that later. Let me first tell you about our day in 2014.

As far back as I can remember, I had always been excited for our birthday. I look forward to greeting ourself at exactly 5:05pm, the time specified on our birth certificate. But two years ago, a little baby girl changed all that when she decided to grace the world with her presence one day before our birthday. Just like that, April 20 ceased to be our birthday. It turned into an I'm-so-tired-from-all-the-birthday-preps-the-day-before-I-just-want-to-sleep-the-whole-day kind of day. Because April 19, 2012, Dahlia Felize was born and she was amazing!

This year, April 19, we planned a small celebration for the princess. Family and few of Iya's friends shared the spaghetti, chicken lollipops and hotdogs that Darwin all cooked (love you pre!). Black Saturday pa yan ha. So come Sunday, Easter, and our birthday, we basically ate leftovers and went to Mass in the afternoon.

I had all but forgotten our day, save for the 60+ people who greeted us on Facebook (remember that?). And it made me think of what do I really wish for on this day. I have 3 beautiful and loving children. I have a family who keeps me grounded. I have a career that I love and hate at the same time. No one is really THAT sick. And although we have some financial hiccups along the way, we manage. I realize God has blessed me with more than I can truly deserve. I find it embarassing to God if I can not even share the blessings he has showered upon us.

So, going back to you, old lady. I hope you enjoyed life. You should have tried to be more friendly. You should have been brave and taken risks. You should have loved more, given more, sacrificed more. Remember that love is a verb, not a feeling. Be thankful for all the blessings and learn to forgive the hurts you might encounter. I hope our life has been full and you had been grateful.

Please give my kisses to the kids and to the grandkids, if we have them by now. Give my kisses to Darwin; he has his faults but I know he loves us and we love him dearly.

May God continue to smile upon our family. I love you, future me. :)

Welcoming Darren Mikhael and notes for all chikitings

Hi Kids! It's been a week already, but I would still like to officially welcome the newest reader for this blog -- Darren Mikhael! :) It's funny, sweetheart, how I prophesied that you are my good luck charm when I just found out that I was pregnant with you. I mentioned sayings like "luck comes in threes" and that "third time's the charm" --- and it's funny because you came out on New Year's Day. While dad and kuya are welcoming the new year, I was in bed in the early stages of labor. (Ate was already sleeping.) Oh boy, be prepared because I will nag you with my labor stories as you grow up! :) To my first love -- I'm just so proud that you are growing up independently. You have allowed me to worry less and focus on your two other siblings, the way a true kuya should act. Still, I love our midnight snack time because that's the time we can both sit down and talk about our day. To my only girl -- I know it's tough right now and you miss me fussing over you the entire day, but bear in mind that Mommy loves you all equally. It's just that Miko needs Mommy more now. I admire your love for Miko, the way you kiss him all over his body. I hope one day you will take care of your brothers (and your dad) the same way that I have taken care of all of you. Be strong, little girl, be secure of yourself. Mommy loves you because you are smart and loving and beautiful of course. Never ever doubt yourself. You deserve the best in the world. To my baby boy -- I look forward to more stories with you, son. I treasure the bond that we currently share, with you being exclusively breastfed and all. May you use your charm to bring laughter to your dad's face as he gets old. I love you, kids. Take care of your dad okay? May God shower His blessings upon you all.

I just wanted to say...

It makes me proud to be your mom. It is such a blessing to be a part of the three of you. Please bear in mind that you are loved and that I am always with you. God bless you, Deves kids. I love you all so much! :)

Dear Iya

This morning, I had to hand you over to your yaya para di ka mainggit/magselos at pumasok din sa banyo habang pinapaliguan ko si Kuya. I heard you crying but your yaya was able to divert your attention naman to something else. I gave your kuya a bath and we went to our room so he can have his siesta. Habang nagbibihis kami sa kwarto, kumakatok ka sa pinto, asking me to open it for you so you can also get inside the room. I didn't kasi kapag nasa loob ka ng room, di makakapagsiesta si kuya. I heard you cry again. It pains me, anak, whenever I make choices between tending to you or your kuya. This is not the first, definitely won't be the last time, that this will happen. When Miko comes out, isa pa siya kahati sa attention ni Mommy. Your kuya went through the same thing when you were born kasi syempre sa iyo ako nakafocus noon. But I hope you don't think of it that way. Mommy and Daddy are trying our best to give you all the attention and love that you all deserve. Nung bata ako, iniisip ko, imposible yung walang favorite na anak. Sabi ko, moms just say that they love their children equally kasi siyempre it might foster hatred between the kids. But you know what, I do love you and kuya equally. Pag pinanganak si Miko, I'm sure I will love him as much. Nung pinanganak ka, hindi nabawasan yung love ko for kuya tapos napunta sayo, it's more like I have more love to give now which is why I am able to love you both equally. For now, you should understand though that your kuya has special needs and mom has to give him extra attention to help him adapt to his needs. (Kuya, I hope you don't think I'm condescending here.) I am grateful that I have a strong and cheerful daughter who I can count on to support me when I need to tend to Kuya. As the eldest daughter, you are my next-in-line, anak. Please take care of the boys -- daddy, kuya and miko, when mommy is gone. I know you'll do a great job kasi kanino ka pa ba magmamana, diba? :) I love you so much, bubba. God bless you always. :)

Guilty mom

Dear Kuya and Ate,

Miko has been stretching around mommy's tummy all morning and it's really painful (not blaming you, though, baby boy). At times, I'm not sure if he's just stretching or trying to get out already (not yet, please).

Anyway, I've been feeling guilty because I'm spending less and less playtime with you guys. And today, I'm choosing to rest and stay in bed over going to mass or playing with you. I hope you understand that mommy wants to spend time with you, but I'm just afraid that Miko might come out before he is ready. I know I keep promising to make things right with you. I'm praying mommy can be more mobile once Miko is out. For the meantime, bear with me please? And don't ever ever doubt that mommy loves you immensely.

Random thoughts

It pains me whenever you cry when I keave for work. I hope someday you'll understand that I'm working hard to be able to give you the comfort that we are experiencing now, as well as prepare for your future as best as I could.

I love you kids!

To my 15-year-old self

You don't have to please anybody.

You don't need to have an opinion on everything. If you think you can't say it in front of the person concerned, you should not say it behind his/her back.

Somebody out there loves your smile; never let it escape your lips.

Your rank and your designation will remain in high school. After that, no one will care.

You have nice legs. It's okay to show them off once in a while. ;)

Promises from boys can be broken, and their kisses don't always equate to love.

Men will come and go. Friends shouldn't. Friendship should be continually worked on, not something that you can forget when you are busy or in love.

Don't sell yourself short, or think lowly of yourself. You are a precious, pretty and wonderful daughter of God. If men can't see that, they are not worthy of your time or affection.

4 years

4 years has passed and still we continue to pray for a miracle. My son, don't let the lost of sight hinder you from having peace, love, happiness and faith in your heart.

Happy Visual Evoked Response test results anniversary, my young prince, and blessed be the name of the Lord!

Long time, no blog

Hi Kids!

I'm sorry I haven't been writing here for a while. I've been busy with work and preparations for Iya's first birthday (which had been a blast! Happy birthday, bubba!)

I hope, though, that whenever I am not writing here, I had been out making memories with the both of you. So, you might not see my thoughts through my words, but have lived them with me.

I love you both so much! :)

For Iya -- 20 Things a Father Should Tell His Daughter (from dorkdaddy.com)

1) Pay attention to the way a man loves his mother. That is the way he will love you.

2) You can do anything a man can do, including organic chemistry, unclogging toilets and assembling IKEA furniture.

3) Older women wear makeup so THEY can look like YOU. Less is more. A lot less is a lot more.

4) People will judge you by the way you look. It isn't fair, but it's the way the world works. Keep that in mind as you pick your outfit in the morning.

5) Never let anyone do your thinking for you. There are far too many people with far too much invested in you believing what they believe.

6) Liberal arts grow your mind. Science and business keep you fed. You will need both.

7) Nothing is more attractive than intelligence.

8) Learn to drive a stick-shift.

9) Get comfortable with power tools.

10) You don't have to enjoy them, but have a working knowledge of the rules for football and baseball.

11) Know the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek, and they key players in both.

12) You don't have to *DO* anything for someone to love you. The right person will cross a desert just for the chance to sit next to you at lunch.

13) Peer pressure is all about insecurity. Be confident in who you are and you'll never have to "fit in". People will come to you.

14) The fastest way to strain a relationship with a man is to bring up old drama. We can't remember to hang up the bath towel. What makes you think we remember that stupid thing we did 6 months ago?

15) If a man genuinely loves you, he will let you set the boundaries. Don't let anyone take something from you they can't give back. You set the tone for the sexual relationship.

16) Feminie hygiene products — Where our daughters are concerned, we would be very happy sticking our fingers in our ears and saying "lalalalalalalala". Please respect our need to pretend they, and the reason for them, do not exist. The same goes for lacy underthings.

17) You were flawless the day you were born. If you must go get that first tattoo, please consider inviting your daddy to come and get his first tattoo with you.

18) You are perfect the way you roll out of bed. Let's be clear: all that crap you do to "get out the door" is for everyone else's benefit.

19) Though he may be smiling on the outside, when you leave for college your father is falling apart on the inside. Don't forget to call him that first night to tell him you love him.

20) Compare every single boy you ever meet to your daddy. Nobody will love you like he does.

30 years from now

So I was thinking that every family should have the following:

- a doctor. So that someone can explain medical conditions and give sound advise (and debunk superstitious beliefs!) to the rest of the family.
Are you up to the challenge, Dr. Dahlia Felize Deves, MD? I'll leave the specialization to you. Put in as many initials after your name as you can alright? Take care of your dad and kuya and explain processes and medicines to them when I am no longer around. Ease their worry and their fear of hospitals and medical procedures. I entrust to you the wellbeing of these two men in our family.


- a priest. But since we're thinking big, can we have a Pope? His Holiness, Pope Jeshua Khalel Deves sounds really good to my ears. (Your choice for the Pope name, but remember I adore Pope John Paul II) You have always been dad's and my anchor to God. Please be the light of this family and guide your siblings towards God too. I can be your secretary, son. Just promise to take me to the Vatican and the Holy Land please. :) You can be the first blind Filipino Pope!

- someone needs to be a lawyer too. To explain the law and, again, give advice to everyone. This is my second choice for the both of you. :)

Then again, you can always be what you want to be -- businessman, office worker, mechanic, painter. So long as you are happy and you can provide for you and your family's needs, I can die happy. I vow to try and expose you to all possibilities and options you might want to explore, and support you in whatever path you want to pursue.

I love you both so much! :)

I need to go to Singapore

Hi Kids,

Even before Kuya Aki was born and dad and I aren't married yet, people have been telling me that I should leave the Philippines and work in Singapore, just like your Tito Pangke.

I've always refused the idea. Who will stay with lolo and lola? What will I do if something happens to them? When Kuya was born, then Iya eventually, I became more adamant. I don't want us to be an Overseas Filipino Worker (OFW) family. I don't want to see you grow only through video calls. I don't want to be separated from dad for a long period of time. And I guess a part of me don't want to since I'm scared. Scared of being alone, scared of starting anew. 

But, Singapore is a disciplined country. I love that I can envision Kuya commuting on his own. Sure there will still be mean people who will trick him, but still, I think it is a much more amenable country for PWD than the Philippines will ever be. If I don't go now and wait for the both of you to grow up considerably, I might miss the chance to get good employment given my age by then. If not now, then when?

Sorry Iya, if you do realize that we're moving mostly for Kuya. But I know you love your Kuya and understand that we want the best for both of you. I'm sorry Kuya if you realize that I fear for you. I know you understand that as a mother, I will always fear for you and Iya.

I prayed and consulted wiser people about this choice. We may need to part ways now but I promise to do everything not to make this separation longer than necessary. I continue to pray that this is God's will for our family. I claim blessing and an immediate reunion for our family.

Love you both so much!

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Here is the daily reflection that piqued this post:

Are your prayers in accordance to His will?

Lord, thank You for revealing Your will for me. I entrust to You all my needs, and even things for my enjoyment, in Jesus' name.