brain dump - 08.29.2022

Grateful that we were able to go back to church after months of hiatus. Even more grateful that it was dad who insisted we go. Thank You, Lord, for the immense growth of my husband. You have truly molded him to be in your image and a steadfast leader for our family.

Worried about ate when she told me that sometimes she can't control heeself and have to hurt someone, otherwise she's hurt herself. Lord, grant my daughter peace of mind, bless her with your calm, and let her know that she is loved no matter what her frustrations are.

Proud of kuya who delivered a thanksgiving message to a group of dentists and health practitioners who organized a program for PWDs in Biñan. We started practicing Saturday night, and he was able to deliver wonderfully today (Monday). So wonderful, in fact, that one of the hosts shed tears during his message. Thank You for using our kuya to give inspiration to others.

Our little bugoy wanted to take care of a lizard today. He asked me "diba you said it's ok to be different?" I answered, "yes." "'Cause I kept the lizard in my cabinet." Oh, my Lord, the wonders of innosense. May You keep the flame of curiosity alive in this one. May he never stop learning, never stop experimenting, never stop making our hearts beat for joy. 

Thank You, Lord, for all the blessings of family. Money is tight, but my heart is full. 

prayer

The dad of someone I knew died today. They were rich and highly intellectual. But no amount of money could stop death. And I know dying could be soooo expensive. I knew it from when Lolo Romy died and we had to make funeral arrangements. I knew it when Daddy almost died 2x and we had to pay hospital bills.

Lord, you promised that your servants will not die sudden nor painful deaths. Let death come "like an old friend" for me and my loved ones. Let it not be expensive as we do not have the means for that. Let it not be traumatic for those that will be left behind.

Amen.

:(

Last Saturday, I opened up to dad about this impulse-control disorder that I think I might have (not naming it here for now). I've noticed this since I was young, but it has become more evident now that I'm an adult.

I was so ashamed of myself because I didn't know how dad would react. But, to be honest, it felt really good knowing that he knows, and that I could talk to him when the impulse strikes again. I know this will help curb the impulse and I won't have to feel guilty afterwards.

Dad was, uhm, hesitant to believe. But in the end, he reminded me that everything will be ok and that I could talk to him about it.

Mental health is something I prioritize now. This thing is actually said to be associated with other impulsive disorders, anxiety and depression. I really pray that God cleanses you from all these geneological sicknesses. I hope you be mentally, physically and emotionally healthy. I will be here to support you and love you all the way.

Who will separate us from Christ’s love? Will we be separated by trouble, or distress, or harassment, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword?

Romans 8:35 CEB

https://bible.com/bible/37/rom.8.35.CEB

Mother's Day greeting

You guys sent me a video for Mother's Day this year --

"Hi mama! Thank you for loving us, taking care of us and letting us know that God loves us"

Hooray for affirmations!! Thank You, Lord, that above all things that I tried to teach my kids, it is Your love that is #1 in their minds. Thank You for showing me that I am doing the job You sent me here for. ❤

Miko's Questions

You've been asking very difficult questions lately! 😲

1. On your anniversary, are you and dad going to have sex?

Me: Why do you ask that?

Miko: Because you're married

Me: You know, sex is a very intimate act between mom and dad, and so we don't talk about it with other people, not even you.

Me afterwards: Frantically messaging the ninangs if I answered correctly. 

This is the first time you asked about sex in the context of mom and dad so it really caught me off-guard. We talked about it, but never really related it to us personally. I wasn't prepared to be hearing from this question this early!! 😆

2. (Weeks after) When did you and dad have sex?

Me: (in my mind: do I tell him with every child? Do I tell him more than each child? Do I answer him at all?) I repeat my line about sex being an intimate act, and added "but I can tell you one thing -- sex is also a means for reproduction" (I'll talk to him about that some day soon)

3. (Same night as #2) What happens if you and dad (makes gestures of separating)

Dad: (tries to "not understand" the gestures and asks other things to distract him)

Miko: (finally getting his message across despite not verbalizing it. He makes signs for breaking up, separate, etc)

Me: (preparing to answer along the lines of custody, both mom and dad loving you inspite not being together, etc)

Dad: til death do us part

Me: (really shocked that with a single phrase he managed to show how he really values this marriage that much. I proceed to talk about the marriage vows and how we made a promise in front of God and the government that we will stay together. Shared Matthew 19:6 "What God has joined together, let no man separate", and ended with Miko should not be worried about it because even if dad and I get into disagreements or fights, we will always honor our promise to each other.)

Lord, I thank You for the wisdom that You have given my son. May You cultivate this wisdom and use this for Your glory. May He grow up to use your gifts, and be compassionate, giving to others, and sharing Your Good News. Amen

April 4

Dad and I made up. As usual, we brushed it under the rug and never spoke about smoking again. 

Pressing issues over the Holy Week was that Ninang Jaye tested positive for covid. Now I don't have close friends. These set of women who we call the ninangs are the closest to what I can consider friends. Don't get me wrong, I get along well with a lot of people. But I envy dad and Iya who makes friends and connections easily. Dad has friends from when he was a kid. I do not. The ninangs are who I have. They are my sisters. So to learn that one of them is having difficulty breathing is heartbreaking for me. 

I've been crying because I was so scared and worried. I watched Grey's Anatomy last night until my eyes could no longer take it and had to close na. I didn't want to think about the worst case scenario. I just want to sleep away the day. 

I was able to speak to Jaye this morning and we had a few more tears. She is weak but fighting. Still able to laugh at things. Lord, please don't take away my sister. Touch her with Your Healing Hand and cleanse her lungs so she can breathe better. This covid thing is really hitting close to home. Please shield my family, most especially Iya and Darwin who have heart problems. Protect them, Lord. 

So during this break, kuya and I had been walking around the streets (masks on) for a bit of exercise. Thank You, Lord, for these moments with my firstborn. 

Dad and I also talked about the possibility of getting another property, i.e. house. Lord, I offer our plans to You. This is for our future, so we are not dependent on our children when we grow old. I hope this plans pleases You, Lord. Make me and my husband strong (physically, mentally and emotionally) to build this dream with You.

Guillain Barre Syndrome anniversary

It was around this time of the year 3 years ago when your dad had Guillain Barre Syndrome. I usually greet your dad on the anniversary of his diagnosis to commemorate his new life. But this year, we had a bit of a misunderstanding that morning so I just sent a short note to remind him.

So I have this app (TimeHop) that retrieves previous posts to remind you of what you sent out on your social media channels for the previous years. I was reminded of the times when I waited on your dad at the hospital, just wishing the day would pass by faster.

Coincedentally, I also spoke with one of my high school friends who is now a nurse. She told me she'd use our GBS story whenever she has lectures in their hospital to inspire other people. She tells them that faith and prayer are still the best weapons against sickness. When I told your dad about this, he balked and said it was his determination to overcome GBS. Naturally I was shocked and couldn't pin down what I was feeling at that point.

And today, this is my prayer for us...

"Lord, help us not to forget the prayers we once lifted and the miracles that we once begged of You. In this way, help us to be compassionate, humble and thankful for all the blessings that you have given us."

Kids, as time passes, it is easy to take miracles for granted. We tend to attribute healing to the high cost of medicine, or just to the determination to live. Yes, both are integral components. But it is only with God's grace that. Let us not be blinded by our vanity and pride that we lose sight of what God and other people have done for us when we were at our lowest.

After all, if we forget the essence of an occasion, why commemorate it at all?

God's persistence

So I had a dry spell again, and now I'm back writing letters to you, guys. :)

Last May, one of my classmates from high school set up an outreach program for the children of Buscalan, which is a small village North of the Philippines. This classmate was a close friend in 2nd year high school, but kinda drifted apart after that year. From his Facebook posts in the past years/months, I learned that he is battling depression, and that makes me so proud of him that he has found his calling with this outreach program. He plans to distribute school supplies and health kits to the kids, as well as have a short program with snacks.

I reached out to him ofcourse. Unfortunately, I could not give actual supplies nor go with him on the trip, so I asked for his bank account so I can share a small amount that could hopefully still help. Again, this was back in May.

Well your dad and I aren't really ideal models of financial stability, and you know how he felt about charities. In short, I kept putting off the donation mainly because we were running short of funds. Also because I didn't have the guts to tell your dad that I'm setting aside money for kids in a faraway village.

Fast forward to yesterday. Lola and I brought M to your pedia for his vaccine. I didn't feel the need to check his baby book but I knew I had to set aside Php1600 for vaccine. I even sent a text message to the pedia earlier that day to ask what was the vaccine worth Php1600 so he can bring a vial for M later that night. He said it was for MMR and that was it so we brought M. Turned out M already had his MMR so we just did a well-baby check up and was advised that next vaccine is for M's 5-in-1 shot, which costs Php3000 and is due 3 weeks from now.

So yey I have extra money and I was thinking finally I could go out and eat more at work. I could also save the Php1600 so I could just worry about the rest of the cost of the 5-in-1 vaccine later. But surprise surprise! God had other plans! Here was how God spoke to me --

1. Suddenly I remembered that a few days back, I read a post from Ptr. Joseph Bonifacio talking about how we should guard our hearts. He also speaks of giving away (i.e. share) material possessions because of generosity and because this is what is good for our hearts.

2. My classmate posted a number of items that they still need for the outreach.

3. Even after seeing #2 above, I did not quite get it. I was thinking maybe my classmate already forgot about my pledge and I no longer need to fulfil it. Then this came today - this is a post on a Verse of the Day application on my phone -- 

1 Corinthians 10:13

Like God was telling me not to be tempted to back out on my promise.

4. You know how God gave me a "way out" as He promised in #3? You see sometimes, I transfer a small amount from my salary to my savings account. This is done before all the budget plans for the payout are made. The money almost always get used up to make up for shortages in the budget plan, e.g. we ate out or we made pasyal, etc. For this payout, I actually forgot all about the money. Your dad and I were so frugal that halfway along the payperiod, the money was still intact! I believe this is God providing for us, reminding us that if we are bent on providing for other people, He will provide for us. Dont't you think so?

5. To cap it all off, the Responsorial Psalm and gospel for today's mass is all about God's providence too. The gospel was about the miracle of the loaves and fishes, while the psalm is shown below --

So, yes, God. There is no denying Your message to me. I sent the money the same night and sent a note to my classmate.

I pray the outreach will be a success and that they will be able to connect with a lot of children. I pray for the children that they be inspired to achieve their dreams and that they get encouragement despite whatever struggle they are currently experiencing in their lives.

Amen.

For Ate

I thank God for your forgiving nature and the gift of your smile. You make mama happy with your quirkiness and disposition.

We call this the no-face face.

Happy face

Angry face

Sad face

Crying face. No tears, but you sniff your nose as added effect.

Crazy face

Crazy face 2. I think you're pulling the skin off your face here. Creepy!

Big smile to end the photo session :)

I love you Ate, my only girl, Bebang, Achi. You are mommy's eternal sunshine.

2015 Resolutions

I never really meant any of my previous New Year's Resolutions. This year, I want to really focus on them with an aim to end 2015 as a better person. Here it goes!

Live healthier. Less food portions. Healthier food choices. Be more active, at least walk around more.

Serve more. Serve dad, mom, darwin, kids, Franco, and even the help more. Serve God more, too.
I had kind of a feeling that we rely too much on lolo and lola to manage the household. Since lola is leaving for SG for a few months, I think it is a good training ground for us to be more independent and more responsible when it comes to raising you kids.
I hope I will be able to make you feel that your dad and me are always here for you. That in our family, you will always be secure and loved.

Strive for continuous improvement. Learn a new skill, or improve program processes. This is mostly grounded on my work tasks.

Save for the kids. The bible says "It isn’t the children’s responsibility to save up for their parents but parents for children" (2 Corinthians 12:14 CEB) and I want to honor that. These first years of our marriage has been a bit selfish for your dad and me. I want to rectify that. I am praying that God heals us from vanity and pride so we can focus on preparing for your future.

There you go. Four major points to keep in mind for 2015. Do you make New Year's Resolutions? Let me know so I can remind you when you forget.

You may also want to read about my other prayers for our family.

Christmas greetings!

Image courtesy of Viber

Kids, don't forget that, more than the gifts, the food and the festivities, the true essence of Christmas is in the birth of our Lord, Jesus Christ. He has humbled Himself to be with us and save us from our sins.

I pray that every Christmas, you are reminded that "no one is too rich that he cannot receive and no one is too poor that he cannot give". May you be grateful for all the blessings showered upon you, and in turn be a blessing to others. Finally, may this season be always a time to celebrate with family. Do not forget your aged parents who love you and who will always be here to support you.

I love you kids! :)



Read about our Christmases past here.

Praying for you

I heard somewhere that as a mother, you find that there are a LOT of things that are beyond your control. This is why you turn to the power of prayer.

I definitely agree to this one. In fact, I think I become more prayerful the more kids I have. Without wanting so sound self-righteous ha, I find myself muttering quick prayers for you guys and daddy, as well as lolo and lola ofcourse. I pray for your safety, well-being, happiness and health.

Do you do that? I hope you make it a habit to throw prayers all the time. Mommy may not be perfect, especially during ny younger years. But you can be sure that even when I get old, I will still pray for you kids.

Love you!

Mommy's Fears

This morning, Lolo was telling a story of how one of their church friends live near the Barangay Hall and yet they got robbed. He said SEVEN men were part of the modus, with 4 acting as lookouts and 3 who did the actual job of forcibly entering the house IN BROAD DAYLIGHT and getting whatever they could, scaring the shit out of the homeowners in the process. Another house was robbed within the same week, but it was said that the homeowner didn't want to open the gate for the robbers. And you know what? He was shot! This, too, happened midday.

Scary! Keep the gate locked okay?

I pray for your protection. That God envelopes all of you in his arms so that no evil can harm you. May God send his angels to always watch over you and protect you.

I love you!

Spare a moment and pray for me

Weeks ago, my latest OB who helped me give birth to Miko, Dra. Olivarez, had me undergo transvaginal and breast ultrasound procedures. No indications, she just mentioned that cervical and breast cancers are two of the most common kinds that we need to watch out for, hence the request.

So I went and a small node was found on my right breast. It was rated "probably benign". Probably. One word that started my paranoia. If it was probably benign, was it probably malignant too?

My next visit to my OB, I was with Miko, and I wanted to have cervical cancer vaccine, and ofcourse to ask her opinion on the result of my breast ultrasound. The whole checkup seems like a blur, but I remember her saying that I'm too young to get a mammogram. She ordered a CA153 blood test instead. I think this is a marker for cancer. Normally, I would go all out and read all I can google on this, but to be honest, I'm scared.

All I keep thinking is how young you all are. Who will take care of you, how will you grow up?

I ask you now to spare a moment and pray for me, that the test will come out negative. I'm really really scared and I'm trying not to be, holding on to this verse for now --

Philippians 4:6 NASB
Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.

I love you chipmunks. I hope God gives me the grace to stay with you until you go old.

Tea Wisdom

"An attitude of gratitude brings opportunities." Tapos yung mug ko, "Choose your Journey" naman. They complement each other ano? Hehehe May you be the best that you can be. I claim that God has destined you for greatness, a mirror of Jesus and an excellent channel of His love. I love you! :)

Thought for the day 01/24

You headed to the park this afternoon. I felt a tinge of sadness since I cannot go with you because Miko might wake up soon and need to feed. :( Sorry ate and kuya. It breaks me heart everytime you wave goodbye to me. I just say a quick prayer for God to keep you safe from harm everytime we are not together. I would love to spend afternoons with you and play with you. Perhaps, in a year or two, when Miko is old enough to come along? Let's spend more time together as you grow up okay? Time with all of the family and individual mommy time for each of you. I would like that :) I love you and I pray I get to BE WITH you as you grow up.

Thought for the day - 01/21

"Live to Share" Share your time. Share your resources. Share your blessings. Share your love. I pray that all of you have a generous heart. Love you, my three angels. :)

Today's prayer

Thank You, Lord, for using our lives to inspire others to renew their faith in You. May You help us to use these situations, not to uplift ourselves, but Your name. May You never let us belittle what works You have done in us, but instead allow us to remain to be childlike and dependent on You.

I claim happiness and love and faith for our family, in Your name. Amen.

Be Forgiving

Reflection: Are you harboring ill feelings at the moment? Lift them up to God.

To love like You, to be forgiving like You, this I pray today, O God. Amen.

  

+++++++++++++++++

I know I am guilty of being quick to express my anger, most of the time without regard for whatever comes out of my mouth. Please pray for me. Love you both.

Confess

Reflection: Have you sinned? Failed? Made mistakes? Confess. Get back up. Move on. His love is greater. Lord, thank You for Your mercy and forgiveness. Thank You for Your love that never ends.