our story starts

I bawled my eyes out when you drove away. That is the most anguishing feeling I have ever experienced, when you were taken away from me.

Sept 11 - we had a long day. We had lab tests done in preparation for scheduled consultations with my endocrinologist and Iya's cardio. I felt so tired that night and felt a fever kicking in.

Sept 12 - at dawn, i know i was already feverish. Miko woke up and wanted to sleep beside me. But I told him he can't because i'm sick. He went up to the bed, but sat up and said he was dizzy. So we told him he can sleep on daddy's other side, away from me.

In the morning, Miko and I both had fever already. I was wiping him down with wet wash cloths to bring his fever down. Iya was complaining of a "heavy head" in the afternoon, and at night, she had the fever, too.

Sept 13 - kuya also already had the fever. Miko's was subsiding already. I still had mine but had to tend to ate and kuya. Did we have colds this time? I can't remember.

Sept 14 - no more fever for the kids. Taking meds just to be sure we kicked that fever away. We were doing well, but still had colds.

Sept 15 - ate and miko started their online class again. Dad said he realized he couldn't taste/smell anything. So we had our rt-pcr swab test done via drive through testing facility. I reported for work in the afternoon.

Dad and I talked about bringing you to lola's if one of us gets a positive result. I didn't want to. I wanted us to stick together. We were talking in bed about my bilins -- to stay inside the room, be patient with each other, etc.

Sept 16 - i was getting ready to start my work. I was taking a bath when I received the email. I was positive for covid. Dad was still sleeping so i didn't know his results. I called my lead. I called lola to let them know that you were coming.

When dad woke up, he confirmed that he was positive too. I didn't go with you to Pacita because it was too painful for me. I cried and cried. 

Sept 17 - i still have colds. Dad, too. I can't smell or taste anything now. Miko has colds too, while kuya has cough. It is tough being away from you. 

Sept 18 - i think i can taste/smell a little now. It feels weird, not being able to smell. I miss your scent. I miss your hugs. The most difficult part is being away from you.

Sept 19 - which brings me to today. Today is difficult. I feel extra tired and generally unwell. I don't have fever, my oxygen is ok. I didn't cry, but my eyes still feel heavy. I miss you my babies. I wish you're safe and healthy and enjoying yourselves. I love you.....

prayer

The dad of someone I knew died today. They were rich and highly intellectual. But no amount of money could stop death. And I know dying could be soooo expensive. I knew it from when Lolo Romy died and we had to make funeral arrangements. I knew it when Daddy almost died 2x and we had to pay hospital bills.

Lord, you promised that your servants will not die sudden nor painful deaths. Let death come "like an old friend" for me and my loved ones. Let it not be expensive as we do not have the means for that. Let it not be traumatic for those that will be left behind.

Amen.

July 5

It's been awhile -- I've been caught up in life with the mom tasks. I must admit I had been battling some inner demons recently, too.

Kuya had been circumcised already. All my lessons and experiences on wound care didn't prepare me for this one. It seems like everything was new to me.😅 Well, being a mom means having a first time for everything, too, so 🤷‍♀️😆.

We also finished Kuya's modules for Grade 1. After a lot of internal struggles regarding the teacher's instructions, we were able to submit everything. Now, we are trying to catch up on Math. I know we can do this, kuya! I believe in you! :) The Lord has wondrous plans for you and, while it might be hard at times, I'm taking on the responsibility that God has given me -- to teach you and guide you in as much as I can, to prepare you to become independent.

Done also with enrollment for Iya and Miko. We were rushed, well, I dilly-dallied on this, sorry! ✌ But someone gave away their old books for free so we didn't have to buy for Miko. That was Php6000-worth of books!! Thank You, Lord, for the blessing! I hope you bless that family more, Lord. In return, we also shared your old books to younger users.... and we bought new books for leisure reading hahaha

Lastly, I've been through a dark place recently. Maybe I'll talk about it another time, maybe I won't. I'm just glad I was able to go through that rut. I'm better now. Thoughts still creep in but not as worse as before. Now I am reminded of my purpose, my new dreams. Before it was just me, me, me. I want to go to Egypt, I want to do whatever I want. But now that I'm a parent, the dreams change. Bonoy Gonzaga put it on point when he said every parent dreams of giving their children a much better life than they ever had -- that certainly hit the mark. So all the sacrifices, all the missed "fun" stuff -- they all seemed irrelevant. Now I remind myself that yeah, you three are the priority. And you three are the reason why dad and I work so hard. To give you a better life than we had.

So what a month it has been. I hope yours had been easier than mine was. I'm just a phone call or visit away if you need someone to talk to, someone to listen, or just someone to hug you and tell you that everything is going to be all right. I love you!!