how am I

I feel like I do nothing but work this week. I wake up, I start work, then I feel sleepy immediately after logging out of work ☹ is this another symptom of depression?

It makes me feel guilty that I don't spend time with you. 

This is the last day of the work week because of Lent. I hope I will be able to make it up to you guys.

So maybe what I am thankful for are --

1. Working and surviving the week

2. Understanding kids and husband

3. Company's bonus, despite it being small, at least we were still able to receive.

Thought for the day 01/24

You headed to the park this afternoon. I felt a tinge of sadness since I cannot go with you because Miko might wake up soon and need to feed. :( Sorry ate and kuya. It breaks me heart everytime you wave goodbye to me. I just say a quick prayer for God to keep you safe from harm everytime we are not together. I would love to spend afternoons with you and play with you. Perhaps, in a year or two, when Miko is old enough to come along? Let's spend more time together as you grow up okay? Time with all of the family and individual mommy time for each of you. I would like that :) I love you and I pray I get to BE WITH you as you grow up.

Guilty mom

Dear Kuya and Ate,

Miko has been stretching around mommy's tummy all morning and it's really painful (not blaming you, though, baby boy). At times, I'm not sure if he's just stretching or trying to get out already (not yet, please).

Anyway, I've been feeling guilty because I'm spending less and less playtime with you guys. And today, I'm choosing to rest and stay in bed over going to mass or playing with you. I hope you understand that mommy wants to spend time with you, but I'm just afraid that Miko might come out before he is ready. I know I keep promising to make things right with you. I'm praying mommy can be more mobile once Miko is out. For the meantime, bear with me please? And don't ever ever doubt that mommy loves you immensely.

Random thoughts

It pains me whenever you cry when I keave for work. I hope someday you'll understand that I'm working hard to be able to give you the comfort that we are experiencing now, as well as prepare for your future as best as I could.

I love you kids!

Be Forgiving

Reflection: Are you harboring ill feelings at the moment? Lift them up to God.

To love like You, to be forgiving like You, this I pray today, O God. Amen.

  

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I know I am guilty of being quick to express my anger, most of the time without regard for whatever comes out of my mouth. Please pray for me. Love you both.

God and Our Past

We are products of our past, but we don't have to be prisoners of it. God's purpose is not limited by your past. He turned a murderer named Moses into a leader and a coward named Gideon into a courageous hero, and he can do amazing things with the rest of your life, too. God specializes in giving people a fresh start. The Bible says, "What happiness for those whose guilt has been forgiven! ... What relief for those who have confessed their sins and God has cleared their record."

I need to go to Singapore

Hi Kids,

Even before Kuya Aki was born and dad and I aren't married yet, people have been telling me that I should leave the Philippines and work in Singapore, just like your Tito Pangke.

I've always refused the idea. Who will stay with lolo and lola? What will I do if something happens to them? When Kuya was born, then Iya eventually, I became more adamant. I don't want us to be an Overseas Filipino Worker (OFW) family. I don't want to see you grow only through video calls. I don't want to be separated from dad for a long period of time. And I guess a part of me don't want to since I'm scared. Scared of being alone, scared of starting anew. 

But, Singapore is a disciplined country. I love that I can envision Kuya commuting on his own. Sure there will still be mean people who will trick him, but still, I think it is a much more amenable country for PWD than the Philippines will ever be. If I don't go now and wait for the both of you to grow up considerably, I might miss the chance to get good employment given my age by then. If not now, then when?

Sorry Iya, if you do realize that we're moving mostly for Kuya. But I know you love your Kuya and understand that we want the best for both of you. I'm sorry Kuya if you realize that I fear for you. I know you understand that as a mother, I will always fear for you and Iya.

I prayed and consulted wiser people about this choice. We may need to part ways now but I promise to do everything not to make this separation longer than necessary. I continue to pray that this is God's will for our family. I claim blessing and an immediate reunion for our family.

Love you both so much!

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Here is the daily reflection that piqued this post:

Are your prayers in accordance to His will?

Lord, thank You for revealing Your will for me. I entrust to You all my needs, and even things for my enjoyment, in Jesus' name.

Lolo and lola

I admire lolo and lola for being so gracious amidst the ruckus that dad and I had this week.

I know they were hurt with what happened, but they didn't meddle. It takes trust in your dad, strength in holding back, and wisdom and faith in knowing that everything will turn out okay in the end.

They served food and forced dad and me to eat together, and in small gestures such as that, I know, that even without words, they were trying to patch things up. I am relieved that they did not just blindly take my side, and that we did not have that awkward air in the house for long.

For these and much much more, I am grateful and feel extremely blessed for my mom and dad. Love them immensely when you grow up.

Sorry

I'm sorry for last night. You shouldn't have had to witness that and I'm sorry because I should have been able to shield you from experiences like that. I should have taken it outside, where lolo and lola might have heard it, but you wouldn't. I'm sorry for the raised voices, the pushing and pulling, but mostly I'm sorry for the negative vibe and lack of love into our room, which is supposed to be a haven for both of you -- a place where you should feel most safe and loved.


I'm sorry for being weak, I'm sorry for fighting back, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. This is not a proud moment for me as a mother, as I failed to shelter you from stuff like that.

I don't know what will happen or if things will go back to how they were. But what I know is that something changed, something within me. I can't say it's for the better, but last night definitely ignited a sense of constant vigilance within me.

In Revelation 21:4, it is said that God "will wipe away every tear from their eyes; and there will no longer be... any crying, or pain". Until then, please stay with mommy. You two are my life, and to lose you will cause my death.

I love you both.