June 10 affirmation

I have been feeling a bit down these past few days. Last night, after work, we played in the rain. I also slept relatively early and had a good sleep. This morning, my phone's Bible app wouldn't load and so I thought about jotting down a dream I had in my thoughts diary instead of reading about the verse of the day ---

Had a suuuuuper nice dream.

We were in a place that felt like we go there some times but never really considered it home

Aki was walking around and chanced upon a group of junior high students. My thought was eto na dapat yung classmates ni kuya.

They accepted him! They were singing ang dancing together. Aki had no cane but they had their arms around him to guide him. Until they culminated by forming a circle with Aki in the middle, laughing and clapping his hands. When I approached him, he was teary eyed with happiness and said, let's live here na lang. I was so happy that I told dad immediately.

LOrd, I hope this is your way of telling me that Aki will be all right. That he will be accepted and celebrated despite of his disability. Thank You for finding delight in my son, Lord. 😃

And when I closed my OneNote app, the Bible verse of the day has loaded and see what it says ---

For I have satiated the weary soul, and I have replenished every sorrowful soul.

Jeremiah 31:25 KJV

Truly, Lord, you have replenished my soul. Thank You, thank You so much!

March 3

I may have depression.

I say "may" because I don't want to diagnose myself. But 2 years ago, I went through this and the psychiatrist told me I keep smiling on the outside, but I'm struggling inside.

I'm sorry that I had to have it. It means it now goes into your Family History. Doesn't mean you have to have it. But it means you have to work hard to not have it. Make sure you find out what makes you happy, and to not succumb to the worldly race. Eat healthy, exercise. Do these things I never found time for.

I keep thinking maybe it's just weakness of character. I don't know the answer yet. I want to prove to everyone that I am capable and strong. And this, this feeling that I have right now, where I only want to sleep the rest of the week away -- this is failing my expectations of myself. You taking care of me as I lie in bed with a headache, while I am grateful for, is failing my expectations as a parent. Sorry. Mom isn't perfect. I don't want you to have emotional baggages because I was weak.

Is it the narcissistic saboteur in me? Saying I am not fit, I am not worthy, I fail. Or is it really something I cannot control? Is it hormonal imbalance? Is it not my fault?



----- this was initially written March 3, 2021, but i lost my train of thought and left this open-ended. 🤷‍♀️ basta I love you and want you know that if you have these thoughts, just come home to me, please. If you are having difficulties finding something positive within you, just come home to mama. Because I know every little beautiful thing about you. (Eh mama lang ako, what more si Lord diba?) ---

March 6, 2021

I took up Physical Therapy in college. I cried over failed exams; I beat myself up over a failed subject. I did all I can to make sure I pass the board exams on the first try (because we literally couldn't afford a second one had I failed). BUT, I never really practiced PT for more than 2 years because I already joined Accenture immediately after boards.

I know what (most of) you're thinking right now. Sayang ang binayad sa colllege. I feel that way sometimes  too, and think of what could have been if I pursued PT.

Today, I brought our kasambahay who doesn't recognize letters and numbers to the opthalmologist. The doctor struggled to get a pain score from her. I can hear the frustration in his voice. But I was able to help by showing her a visual scale, something I learned some 15+ years ago. It's a small thing. But I felt God is helping me realize that some times He puts us in situations where we don't understand why things are happening. We constantly ask the rationale, but like the cliché goes, it's all part of His big plan.

I never would've understood pain scale, or kept (mostly) calm when Darwin or any member of our family were in health crisis, had it not been for the knowledge I gained in college. All my mentors contributed to me being able to digest medical jargons, and thus helped me to help the people I love.

So takeaway is: if you're currently going through something difficult, it might not be a failed subject or upcoming boards, know that God is preparing you for something. It might be hard to understand right now, but that's what faith is -- when you trust even when you are having difficulties to understand why.

I pray for your joy and healing. 😘

My schedule

Because I'm exhausted after a day's work, I tend to sleep at 10/11pm with Miko and Ate. Since there are some things that I need to finish for work, I have dad wake me up at 1am. At 3am, Miko starts crying for milk so I get back into bed until 5am - or 6am if I find it difficult to get up.

Did I mention that I love you all? I look forward to when you have your own rooms hehehe but I know I wouldn't want to miss your childhood too :)

I can't wait for our getaway this weekend :)

Choose well

A person who chooses hate will always find reasons to be angry.
A person who chooses contentment will always find reasons to be thankful.

Mama's heart

Mothers' hearts are like puzzle pieces. With every child, we give each one a piece. But no matter how many times we give out a part of ourselves, even when we are worn out and tired at the end of the day, a single smile from our loved ones can complete us and make us whole again.

Random thoughts during the first monthly period after giving birth and exclusively breastfeeding

1. Wait, what? Oh drats.
2. I can get pregnant again! Oh no!
3. I can get pregnant again! Probably twins? Yey!
4. How long did I skip this? 19 months? Not bad.
5. Ugh. I forgot how messy this could be.
6. Did a hundred elephants die in there?
7. Need to change again? Eew.
8. I'm not really angry - these are just my hormones wanting to wring this person's neck.
9. Maybe it won't be this bad next month.
10. Oh I miss pregnancy.

Times when I would rather formula-feed Miko...

**This is a post in progress; meaning, I will update whenever I remember something to add.**

1. When the office AC is busted and it's freezing and I'm not wearing a nursing top so I need to pull up my blouse to expose my chest and express milk. Bonus feature: I need to get my breastmilk pump accessories from the fridge and put the cold flanges on my breasts. Brrrrr....

2. When lola forgot the instructions to feed Miko the milk thawed from the freezer first. It got spoilt tuloy. That was just sad and frustrating.

3. When nature calls but I cannot run to the bathroom because Miko is still feeding. Imagine what I have to go through if I need to #2!!


Times when I love breastfeeding:
1. When I see the cost of formula milk. So shallow! Eh pero totoo eh! I can no longer imagine spending more than Php1000 a week for infant formula. I'll just save that amount for Miko's first birthday no?

2. When I want short sanity breaks from work. The breastfeeding room in our office has become a quick escape from all the stress. (But then again, I sometimes bring my work to the Diana Room. There was one time I had to eat lunch and catch up on email - all while expressing milk!)

3. Whenever I wake up and realize that Miko is already awake and trying to stand by holding the window sill. I expose my breast and call out a short "psst". Miko turns and, upon seeing my boob, will flash this super cute smile and start running crawling towards me to feed. Ah the joys of motherhood. :)

My realizations and affirmations this week

1. My heart can exist outside of my body in the persona of my kids, and I worry a LOT for their safety. [Update: Read about my fears]

2. Tito Franco is already a teenager and I pray he grows up honest and emotionally secure.

3. Love is a verb. To feel love, I must act it first.


Let me tell you about these in detail when I have the time, okay? Love you kids.

The First Phone Call from Heaven

Hi chipmunks!

So I'm reading this book of the same title from Mitch Albom. It tells a story of a small town receiving phone calls from dead people from heaven.

It got me thinking -- if we are able to talk to Lolo Romy, or your great-Lolo Mac and great-Lola Eñang, what would they say? Are they happy with how our family has turned out? Are they proud of us?

Well I know that whatever it is you're doing, as long as you're happy and it is within God's commandments, I know I will be proud of you. I would definitely tell you that I miss you. And that I love you.

What else should I tell you when I'm gone? What would you want to hear?

Word for the day: Savor

Savor your food. Savor each kiss (and always close your eyes!) Savor sleep (oh I miss this) Savor conversations. Savor time spent with your loved ones. ...because the purpose of life is to enjoy every moment.

Last meal

Hey kids! I saw an ad asking this, so if given a choice, what would you choose for your last meal? I think I'm gonna have: ~ baked salmon from Conti's, or dad's inihaw na bangus stuffed with tomatoes and onions ~ an all-cheese pizza ~ dad's chopsuey ~ sago't gulaman for drinks I asked Lola Fely and she wants chopsuey and fried chicken. :) Mmmm... mouth-watering! What about you? Let me know your favorite dishes and I'll try to cook them okay? Love you all!

Thought for the day 01/24

You headed to the park this afternoon. I felt a tinge of sadness since I cannot go with you because Miko might wake up soon and need to feed. :( Sorry ate and kuya. It breaks me heart everytime you wave goodbye to me. I just say a quick prayer for God to keep you safe from harm everytime we are not together. I would love to spend afternoons with you and play with you. Perhaps, in a year or two, when Miko is old enough to come along? Let's spend more time together as you grow up okay? Time with all of the family and individual mommy time for each of you. I would like that :) I love you and I pray I get to BE WITH you as you grow up.

Thought for the day - 01/21

"Live to Share" Share your time. Share your resources. Share your blessings. Share your love. I pray that all of you have a generous heart. Love you, my three angels. :)

To daddy

Alam mo it pains me to see na hindi ka masaya ngayong Christmas season dahil di natin nabili yung gusto mong shoes. :( I'm sorry I can't give you all of your heart's desires. :( But I do love you very much. Yun lang kaya ko ibigay nang di nauubos. Sorry...

New year

This post is 4 months overdue. :(

Year after year, there are news of children dying due to stray bullets during the New Year. Some of them playing, some watching the fireworks, some just sleeping in the presumed safety of their homes then BANG! Dead.

Senseless, yes. But it still happens! Why? Because some idiot (drunk or sober) thinks it's cool to go on bragging about their weapons and shooting in the air without any thought that what comes up definitely must come down.

It breaks my heart to see news like this, especially since I've become a mother. I dread the mere thought of losing you both, more so if it will be through something as sudden as this.

If you decide to become gun owners, though I strongly discourage this, may you be responsible.

If you personally know anyone who is a victim of stray bullets, may you show compassion and empathy, and pray for their strength and forgiveness.

I love you both.

feelingteenager

Hmmm dumadami ata pimples ko pag naka-stay at home

Something to Ponder on

Sweetheart, if the possibility of failure were erased, what would you attempt to achieve?

Let me know when you read this. I love you.