:(

Last Saturday, I opened up to dad about this impulse-control disorder that I think I might have (not naming it here for now). I've noticed this since I was young, but it has become more evident now that I'm an adult.

I was so ashamed of myself because I didn't know how dad would react. But, to be honest, it felt really good knowing that he knows, and that I could talk to him when the impulse strikes again. I know this will help curb the impulse and I won't have to feel guilty afterwards.

Dad was, uhm, hesitant to believe. But in the end, he reminded me that everything will be ok and that I could talk to him about it.

Mental health is something I prioritize now. This thing is actually said to be associated with other impulsive disorders, anxiety and depression. I really pray that God cleanses you from all these geneological sicknesses. I hope you be mentally, physically and emotionally healthy. I will be here to support you and love you all the way.

Who will separate us from Christ’s love? Will we be separated by trouble, or distress, or harassment, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword?

Romans 8:35 CEB

https://bible.com/bible/37/rom.8.35.CEB

from dad re: smoking incident

It's been a while since the smoking incident. I've given your dad the cold shoulder for days, but we've made up and didn't talk about it anymore.

One day, we were cuddling and I told him "pag nakita ulit kitang naninigarilyo, di na ako bibili ng gamot mo ha" siyempre it was in jest lang naman, but half meant. It was just so frustrating worrying about someone when they don't care at all.

He answered me with "Wag mo na sabihin, nahihiya nga ako sa iyo eh" and that tugged at my heart. I didn't say anything anymore because, even deep in my heart, I was not gloating. What I was thinking was -- your dad is a huge part of my life. We may not be lovey dovey most of the time, but I will be terribly sad if he is taken from us.

That being said, let me reiterate to please don't start smoking. Nothing good will come out of it.

Love you kids! ❤

April 4

Dad and I made up. As usual, we brushed it under the rug and never spoke about smoking again. 

Pressing issues over the Holy Week was that Ninang Jaye tested positive for covid. Now I don't have close friends. These set of women who we call the ninangs are the closest to what I can consider friends. Don't get me wrong, I get along well with a lot of people. But I envy dad and Iya who makes friends and connections easily. Dad has friends from when he was a kid. I do not. The ninangs are who I have. They are my sisters. So to learn that one of them is having difficulty breathing is heartbreaking for me. 

I've been crying because I was so scared and worried. I watched Grey's Anatomy last night until my eyes could no longer take it and had to close na. I didn't want to think about the worst case scenario. I just want to sleep away the day. 

I was able to speak to Jaye this morning and we had a few more tears. She is weak but fighting. Still able to laugh at things. Lord, please don't take away my sister. Touch her with Your Healing Hand and cleanse her lungs so she can breathe better. This covid thing is really hitting close to home. Please shield my family, most especially Iya and Darwin who have heart problems. Protect them, Lord. 

So during this break, kuya and I had been walking around the streets (masks on) for a bit of exercise. Thank You, Lord, for these moments with my firstborn. 

Dad and I also talked about the possibility of getting another property, i.e. house. Lord, I offer our plans to You. This is for our future, so we are not dependent on our children when we grow old. I hope this plans pleases You, Lord. Make me and my husband strong (physically, mentally and emotionally) to build this dream with You.

April 2 - Smoking

We have a family history of diabetes and stroke in our family. It is clear that I start with this because I want this message to be clear -- I don't want you to smoke.

Smoking does absolutely nothing good for you. It is an addiction that brings with it a plethora of associated diseases.

I'm feeling this passionatw about smoking today because yesterday we caught your dad smoking a cigarette at the store. It makes me so angry because I feel like he keeps forgetting about the two times when he almost died. It might sound narcissistic, but it was my battle, too. I underwent a lot of stress during those times, too. I was so scared of losing dad and having to raise you guys by myself. So him, just throwing all of those away, really gets into my nerves. It's beyond angry, it makes me not want to care anymore. Ofcourse I can't really not care. He's still my husband. But it just makes me 😡🤬😡🤬😡🤬

Bottomline, no smoking please. Cigarettes, vape, weed, anything. None of those. Try to live a healthy life, a happy life, please. I love you all too much to watch you throw your life away. 

Te quiero!

Update: 

Adding my tags, I saw this. And it might be God's way of saying to forgive dad just as He has forgiven us and even sent His son to die for us. Ugh, Lord, some times it's difficult to follow You. But, I will do my best.

When Dad found out

Your dad and I were talking finances the other night and guess what! He found out about the donation I told you about here!

Turned out he was using my iPad and my Facebook messenger was logged in to that device too. So dad was able to see the exchange between me and my classmate. We were talking about some payables that were due and how we don't have extra money to eat outside always, and here was how the rest of the conversation went.

D: Di naman ako galit no, pero kasi akala ko Messenger ko yung nakalagay sa iPad. May dinonatean ka? Para saan yun? 

K: Ah oo, para sa mga bata yun na taga-Buscalan. 

D: Okay pero di ba masyadong malaki? (I gave an amount that is equivalent to us going out on a date for movies and a not-so fancy meal.) 

K: Di naman tsaka one-time lang naman yun.

At this point, we/he decided not to push the topic further and shifted the conversation to something else. You may also note that I did not give too much information on the outreach. I was tempted to give him the link to the post I made! Hahaha. But knowing your dad, that would lead to more questions and me feeling like I was being interrogated for putting someone's needs above our own.

What was running through my mind was that we are so blessed materially more than the kids of Buscalan. Do we have problems with money? Yes. But these are problems that we can still address or put off. Remember: no one is too poor that he cannot give. I want you to remember this as you grow up.

So, anyway, let's see if this topic comes up again between your dad and I. Praying for a generous heart for you and your future spouses.

Routines and hormones

I had my period today so I was feeling hormonal, read: easily distressed.

Your dad has started eating dinner and Miko kept coming up to him. I wasn't able to get Miko from dad because Ate wanted to comb my hair and wouldn't let me stand up from my chair in front of the TV. In short, dad got mad because his "nightly routine" got effed up.

He always says "may routine na kasi ako pagdating sa bahay" and that routine shouldn't be swayed. Maybe that's my problem. I couldn't understand routines because I don't have one. Maybe if I had a routine, I wouldn't have to eat while spoonfeeding 2 kids and breastfeeding another one all the same time. Maybe if I had a routine, I could have more than 2 hours of uninterrupted sleep at night.

Maybe routines and parenting don't mix. Routines suck. Hormonal imbalance sucks. I wish I slept earlier last night to prepare me for this day.

Sorry for the rant. I really just wanted to let it out. In retrospect, I think I'm really just jealous of how your dad can manage a routine, find time for his games and interests, etc. Not that I'm regreting the time spent with you. I just wish I had more time for me, to learn, to be quiet for more than 10 minutes, to bathe and poop without being rushed. Maybe things will get better when you're older and you can do more things on your own.

Who wouldn't have a heart attack? Disclaimer: more precarious positions were not photographed due to transient hypertension attacks.

I love you kids. I love your dad too. He just gets on my nerves sometimes. Some times more frequently than normal. Hay. But I love him nevertheless.

Finally, chocobutternut

Your dad and I had a cold war after I got home from my laparoscopic cholecystectomy. Paano ba naman, my first day coming from operation and he was out of the house already to get gifts from his friends. I felt like he was rushing out to get away from taking care of me. Okay, sorry for being self-centered, but during the drive home, I was telling him that I didn't need him there, but I want him to be. More for moral support than physical needs.

We were giving each other the silent treatment for a few days. Until he came home and brought this...

Chocobutternut!!

And I just caved in and remembered why I love him. Remember why? Read about it here.

Buffet at Chef Laudico Guevarra's

Days before Christmas, your Dad and I went back to Manila (more on that on another post). Since it is time away from you (haha), we decided to also make plans for a quick dinner date at Chef Laudico Guevarra's.

I'm not much of a food critic. Food is food to me and it takes little to impress me. My baseline is your dad's cooking (naks!). I just wanted to share what I ate since we're removing my gallbladder in a few weeks, anyway. Hahaha. This will at least give it one last hurrah.

So anyway, we were too early for a 7:30pm reservation. We came at around 5:30pm and the current batch of guests being served were due to end at 6pm. We were told to wait for our reservation time, otherwise we will have to go at 6pm, too. 

No worries since their garden had plenty of seats to lounge in. We used the time to take pictures of the place.

Your dad doesn't like waiting. Keep that in mind.

So festive!

I usually start on Japanese food. But since this is a Filipino-food buffet, let's start with dessert! Meringue, palitaw and red velvet cupcakes.

Salad, lumpiang sariwa, and 2 other dishes that I forgot already.

Back to sweets! Maja blanca, macaroon, carrot cake and leche flan

Adobo rice, something, something, fish mayonesa (which inspired our Media Noche menu last New Year's Eve), and shrimps

2 kinds of pizza, lechon and lechon kawali

Dessert again! Meringue anf chocolate crinkles

Vanilla and ube ice cream

Salad, lumpiang sariwa and squid

I see you! Your dad was teasing me for all the fatty foods that I got.

Lechon! Sorry, gallbladder.

I think I was up to my neck in food. I was so full! Chef Laudico Guevarra's is so far the most value-for-money buffet restaurant that I've been to. This is actually the first buffet restaurant that costs less than Php500 that I have been to but all the food that I've tried tastes so good. (Rates are: Php399 for Mon-Fri lunch, Php499 for Mon-Thurs dinner and Php599 for Fri dinner to Sun dinner --- subject to VAT)

We will definitely be back at Guevarra's. Dad and I were already thinking of an event that we can celebrate there hahaha

Have you tried it? Bring me back there please! I love you!

You may also want to read about your dad's powers

Our Christmas Break 2014 - Day 2

Thoughts for today.

-oh em gee we slept in late! Woke up at 10am. No time for morning walk now.

- active play within the yard then vitamins time.

- bathe all kids! Mantra is Ligo. Kain. Sleep. I think I did a good, organized job with the kids there.

- everyone is sleeping now. Time to cook spaghetti sauce as promised to Kuya.

- Harry Potter Deathly Hallows Part 2!!

- kids are awake already so I have to stop watching now. Everybody prepare for church!

- dad is a bit grumpy today. Did we do anything to anger him? If he will get mad everytime we go to church, might as well not go anymore. Err.. no, that's a bad idea. All the more that we should go and hear mass.

- maybe one day, I'll keep walking away and won't turn back.

- dinner time! Everybody sleep after this!

- finally some me-time. I think i'll finish my movie now. I have the book beside me so I can reference to while watching the movie version.

My simple joys.

That day just breezed by! We have such a crazy crazy family and I love it just the same :)

Kulitan time with mom and dad

This is how I bug him at work. ☺

To read other stories about dad, click here.

Waiting Day 1

I get my CA blood test results after 3 days.

On the first day of waiting (yesterday), I feel so blessed for having your dad. It's nice to feel needed and loved. I know that deep down, he's scared as much as I am, maybe even more, but he's been very supportive and has been my rock these past few days.

We are such big dorks, don't you agree?

I sent him a note, a line from John Green's The Fault in Our Stars (a book turned movie about cancer patients falling in love):

"I'll fight it. I'll fight it for you. Don't you worry about me... I'm okay. I'll find a way to hang around and annoy you for a long time."

And I mean every word.

I love you, chipmunks. Kiss dad for me, okay?

of love and bavarian

I am not a fan of bavarian-filled donuts. Not that I hate them, but they wouldn't make it to my first 3 choices in a donut shop.

Your dad loves bavarian, though. I remember once we bought a box of assorted donuts and he told me he'd eat his bavarian later. I, unfortunately, forgot to set it aside so someone ate it up. He got mad at me, ofcourse, and I never forgot his bavarian since.

Fast forward to last week. I had been reporting to the same office as dad for a days last week. Afternoon came and I wanted a bit of a snack so I sent him a note.

"Pamerienda ka naman. Chocobutternut lang."

Now, I have been with your dad for 6 years. I have learned his ways, and I'd like to believe I have learned a lot about relationships at my age. I now know that (read this Iya)women should not think that men read minds. If we want something done, we must say so, even say how we want it done. It is up to the man to decide, ofcourse, how we actually wants to do it.

So, if you'll notice, I specified the donut flavor that I wanted him to buy because that was the flavor that I wanted.

Your dad bought bavarian.

I wanted to be disappointed. I wanted to smirk at his stubbornness. But then... God enlightened my mind and quieted my matabil na dila. :)

He bought bavarian because for him, that is the best flavor in the shop. Because he wanted me to have the best. Because he loves me.

And that, right there, made my day. :)

Disclaimer: Okay, I ate the donut. But I would still want for him to know that choco butternut is my favorite, not bavarian. But maybe I'll tell him another time. :)

Random thoughts on Appreciation

Lately, I appreciate -- - your dad for his unbelievable patience when I was in labor with Miko. From when my labor started in the emergency room until after I gave birth and couldn't move much, he was there and assisting me. Of all three times that I gave birth, this was the most patient I have seen him. - your lolo and lola. Since I gave birth to Miko, they were very supportive especially in my decision to breastfeed. Lolo hasn't been cooking much before I gave birth, but now he makes sure that I always have soup, with malunggay if possible, to increase my milk supply. - Kuya Aki and Ate Iya for welcoming Miko and loving him right from the start. Ate wants to kiss Miko all the time, and Kuya has never been pasaway so Mommy can tend to Miko. Give everyone a kiss after you read this okay? Let them know that mommy loves them. :)

To daddy

Alam mo it pains me to see na hindi ka masaya ngayong Christmas season dahil di natin nabili yung gusto mong shoes. :( I'm sorry I can't give you all of your heart's desires. :( But I do love you very much. Yun lang kaya ko ibigay nang di nauubos. Sorry...

Palm Sunday

This year, since Dad has survived his bout with GBS, he has agreed to join the church activities as an apostle.

This a list of many firsts for dad, and for me as well. Lolo and lola brought me and tito pancake pretty much inside the church and with Couples For Christ activities. But, usually during the Lenten season, we'd just stay at home and go to church only to hear the Easter mass.

As I've said, dad has agreed to become an apostle for our local parish in Pacita, the Sto. Rosario Parish Church. Here he is with the 11 other guys on the first time that they were all gathered together. This was before the Palm Sunday mass.

Loving dad

I just wanted to share how I appreciate Daddy this last week.

You see, with dad, I always have to get up and prepare first in the morning on weekdays. True, I do not wake up to the alarm; it is dad who wakes me up. But he sleeps some more and lets me eat breakfast, take a bath and do my morning routine before he gets up and does his. Every workday, this is the scenario.

My schedule at work had become very erratic last week -- sometimes requiring me to go to work early, sometimes to go home very very late. I told dad I need to go to work earlier and couldn't wait for him anymore. I said when I'm done getting ready, I'll go ahead without him.

Maybe because this is the only time we have to ourselves, or because we never get the chance to talk much, but I realize that dad tries his best to catch up and still go to the office with me, no matter how early I say I'll be leaving.

At the end of the day, he still waits for me. Except, of course, on days when I'm really really late, he goes ahead so he can be with you guys.

For the extra effort in making sure we still find time for each other, I love your dad more and more.

Take care of your dad, even when he gets old and (God forbid!) cranky, alright?

Love you both so much!

Sorry

I'm sorry for last night. You shouldn't have had to witness that and I'm sorry because I should have been able to shield you from experiences like that. I should have taken it outside, where lolo and lola might have heard it, but you wouldn't. I'm sorry for the raised voices, the pushing and pulling, but mostly I'm sorry for the negative vibe and lack of love into our room, which is supposed to be a haven for both of you -- a place where you should feel most safe and loved.


I'm sorry for being weak, I'm sorry for fighting back, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. This is not a proud moment for me as a mother, as I failed to shelter you from stuff like that.

I don't know what will happen or if things will go back to how they were. But what I know is that something changed, something within me. I can't say it's for the better, but last night definitely ignited a sense of constant vigilance within me.

In Revelation 21:4, it is said that God "will wipe away every tear from their eyes; and there will no longer be... any crying, or pain". Until then, please stay with mommy. You two are my life, and to lose you will cause my death.

I love you both.

Slumbook questions - dad

About Me

Real Name: Darwin

Age: 30

Location: San Pedro, Laguna

Occupation: Employee

Languages Spoken: Filipino, English

Favorites

Movies: Action movies

Songs: Alternative

Actors/Actresses (movies and television): Many to mention

Television Shows: Many to mention

Books: None

Sports/Games: none

Players: none

Food/Drink: Many to mention

Vacation Spots: Beach

Getting personal

Right now I'm reading: e-mails

I'm fun loving or serious (and why): Many to mention

My dream guy/gal: someone who can take care of my children

My hobbies: collecting that may interest me

My biggest strengths and weaknesses: Family

My best friends: Kaye Deves

My favorite subject at school: Math

That one thing I want to change about myself: Many to mention

My ambition: to have my own house and car for my family

I go crazy about: cars, shoes, bikes, etc.

I draw inspiration from: my family

According to me, love is: Taking care of someone in many instances.

Given a chance to be invisible, I'd: I'd like to be in ladies room! 

If there was one person I could bring back from the dead, that would be? (and why) my mom, because i want her to take care of my kids and see how happy i am right now!

Dad's cheesiness

Darwin: "It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages."  (Quoting Friedrich Nietzsche)

Kaye: Aaw... Are we friends (tinanong talaga)

Darwin: Oo naman, you're my best friend.

Kaye: (tunaw sa sweetness)

This is specifically for Iya

Daddy's Rules For Dating

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a 'Barrier method' of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: 'early.'

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge . Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi . When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.