Thought for the day 01/24

You headed to the park this afternoon. I felt a tinge of sadness since I cannot go with you because Miko might wake up soon and need to feed. :( Sorry ate and kuya. It breaks me heart everytime you wave goodbye to me. I just say a quick prayer for God to keep you safe from harm everytime we are not together. I would love to spend afternoons with you and play with you. Perhaps, in a year or two, when Miko is old enough to come along? Let's spend more time together as you grow up okay? Time with all of the family and individual mommy time for each of you. I would like that :) I love you and I pray I get to BE WITH you as you grow up.

To daddy

Alam mo it pains me to see na hindi ka masaya ngayong Christmas season dahil di natin nabili yung gusto mong shoes. :( I'm sorry I can't give you all of your heart's desires. :( But I do love you very much. Yun lang kaya ko ibigay nang di nauubos. Sorry...

Dear Iya

This morning, I had to hand you over to your yaya para di ka mainggit/magselos at pumasok din sa banyo habang pinapaliguan ko si Kuya. I heard you crying but your yaya was able to divert your attention naman to something else. I gave your kuya a bath and we went to our room so he can have his siesta. Habang nagbibihis kami sa kwarto, kumakatok ka sa pinto, asking me to open it for you so you can also get inside the room. I didn't kasi kapag nasa loob ka ng room, di makakapagsiesta si kuya. I heard you cry again. It pains me, anak, whenever I make choices between tending to you or your kuya. This is not the first, definitely won't be the last time, that this will happen. When Miko comes out, isa pa siya kahati sa attention ni Mommy. Your kuya went through the same thing when you were born kasi syempre sa iyo ako nakafocus noon. But I hope you don't think of it that way. Mommy and Daddy are trying our best to give you all the attention and love that you all deserve. Nung bata ako, iniisip ko, imposible yung walang favorite na anak. Sabi ko, moms just say that they love their children equally kasi siyempre it might foster hatred between the kids. But you know what, I do love you and kuya equally. Pag pinanganak si Miko, I'm sure I will love him as much. Nung pinanganak ka, hindi nabawasan yung love ko for kuya tapos napunta sayo, it's more like I have more love to give now which is why I am able to love you both equally. For now, you should understand though that your kuya has special needs and mom has to give him extra attention to help him adapt to his needs. (Kuya, I hope you don't think I'm condescending here.) I am grateful that I have a strong and cheerful daughter who I can count on to support me when I need to tend to Kuya. As the eldest daughter, you are my next-in-line, anak. Please take care of the boys -- daddy, kuya and miko, when mommy is gone. I know you'll do a great job kasi kanino ka pa ba magmamana, diba? :) I love you so much, bubba. God bless you always. :)

Random thoughts

It pains me whenever you cry when I keave for work. I hope someday you'll understand that I'm working hard to be able to give you the comfort that we are experiencing now, as well as prepare for your future as best as I could.

I love you kids!

New year

This post is 4 months overdue. :(

Year after year, there are news of children dying due to stray bullets during the New Year. Some of them playing, some watching the fireworks, some just sleeping in the presumed safety of their homes then BANG! Dead.

Senseless, yes. But it still happens! Why? Because some idiot (drunk or sober) thinks it's cool to go on bragging about their weapons and shooting in the air without any thought that what comes up definitely must come down.

It breaks my heart to see news like this, especially since I've become a mother. I dread the mere thought of losing you both, more so if it will be through something as sudden as this.

If you decide to become gun owners, though I strongly discourage this, may you be responsible.

If you personally know anyone who is a victim of stray bullets, may you show compassion and empathy, and pray for their strength and forgiveness.

I love you both.

Lolo and lola

I admire lolo and lola for being so gracious amidst the ruckus that dad and I had this week.

I know they were hurt with what happened, but they didn't meddle. It takes trust in your dad, strength in holding back, and wisdom and faith in knowing that everything will turn out okay in the end.

They served food and forced dad and me to eat together, and in small gestures such as that, I know, that even without words, they were trying to patch things up. I am relieved that they did not just blindly take my side, and that we did not have that awkward air in the house for long.

For these and much much more, I am grateful and feel extremely blessed for my mom and dad. Love them immensely when you grow up.

Sorry

I'm sorry for last night. You shouldn't have had to witness that and I'm sorry because I should have been able to shield you from experiences like that. I should have taken it outside, where lolo and lola might have heard it, but you wouldn't. I'm sorry for the raised voices, the pushing and pulling, but mostly I'm sorry for the negative vibe and lack of love into our room, which is supposed to be a haven for both of you -- a place where you should feel most safe and loved.


I'm sorry for being weak, I'm sorry for fighting back, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. This is not a proud moment for me as a mother, as I failed to shelter you from stuff like that.

I don't know what will happen or if things will go back to how they were. But what I know is that something changed, something within me. I can't say it's for the better, but last night definitely ignited a sense of constant vigilance within me.

In Revelation 21:4, it is said that God "will wipe away every tear from their eyes; and there will no longer be... any crying, or pain". Until then, please stay with mommy. You two are my life, and to lose you will cause my death.

I love you both.

:(

Until when are You going to turn a deaf ear to the pleas of my heart, Lord? Until when are You going to ignore my prayers?

Took a picture of Aki today and it clearly showed that a large area of his eyes is gray already. This broke my heart yet again. I don't think I can ever forget this pain, it just gets numb for awhile, then resurrects at moments like this.

Sometimes, Lord, di ko talaga naiintindihan mga plano Mo. Di ko maintindihan ano tumatakbo sa isip Mo. But all I know is that there is no other way but to trust You.

Please please, if You won't give sight to my son, give him good health, emotional strength and wisdom instead. Amen.

Job 1:21

Tonight, I thought of how I'd like to die already just so I can meet God face to face, kneel in front of Him and plead for your sight.

It seems that your light perception is dwindling but let's still be thankful for all the blessings that we have in our life right now. When we first started this journey, we were told that you were completely void of sight. Still God gave you the chance to see light and bask in its beauty. Now, we offer this gift back to God and pray that maybe, someone else needs light perception more than you do. Remember to count the things that you have instead of those that you don't. You are blessed to have a family that loves you dearly and provides for you. Most importantly, you are blessed with good health and a happy heart.

"The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away.
Blessed be the name of the Lord."

I love you so much, sweetheart.

:(

Mommy’s feeling blue today. I feel like I’ve been making wrong decisions left and right. Just small decisions, like what bag to buy for daddy or what color of jacket to buy. Still, I keep making wrong choices and that makes me feel like I’m not good enough. L

Hug mommy when I get home ha. I love you.

.