March 3

I may have depression.

I say "may" because I don't want to diagnose myself. But 2 years ago, I went through this and the psychiatrist told me I keep smiling on the outside, but I'm struggling inside.

I'm sorry that I had to have it. It means it now goes into your Family History. Doesn't mean you have to have it. But it means you have to work hard to not have it. Make sure you find out what makes you happy, and to not succumb to the worldly race. Eat healthy, exercise. Do these things I never found time for.

I keep thinking maybe it's just weakness of character. I don't know the answer yet. I want to prove to everyone that I am capable and strong. And this, this feeling that I have right now, where I only want to sleep the rest of the week away -- this is failing my expectations of myself. You taking care of me as I lie in bed with a headache, while I am grateful for, is failing my expectations as a parent. Sorry. Mom isn't perfect. I don't want you to have emotional baggages because I was weak.

Is it the narcissistic saboteur in me? Saying I am not fit, I am not worthy, I fail. Or is it really something I cannot control? Is it hormonal imbalance? Is it not my fault?



----- this was initially written March 3, 2021, but i lost my train of thought and left this open-ended. 🤷‍♀️ basta I love you and want you know that if you have these thoughts, just come home to me, please. If you are having difficulties finding something positive within you, just come home to mama. Because I know every little beautiful thing about you. (Eh mama lang ako, what more si Lord diba?) ---