how am I

I feel like I do nothing but work this week. I wake up, I start work, then I feel sleepy immediately after logging out of work ☹ is this another symptom of depression?

It makes me feel guilty that I don't spend time with you. 

This is the last day of the work week because of Lent. I hope I will be able to make it up to you guys.

So maybe what I am thankful for are --

1. Working and surviving the week

2. Understanding kids and husband

3. Company's bonus, despite it being small, at least we were still able to receive.

Grateful - March 30

1. Fasting Blood Sugar of 99!! Looks like I'm on the right track when it comes to my medicine and food. :) Just need to be consistent with the exercising.

2. Upcoming Officer's Performance Bonus. Knowing that this is coming makes me excited and giddy. I hope it is enough for my planned expenses -- payment for the house, a ring, etc.

There is no #3. Yesterday was difficult for me. I was uninspired to work. I was mentally just going over my list of tasks without doing anything really significant. I was also sleepy when we were saying the rosary. I fell asleep right after. Woke up when daddy came in the room. Watched one of my episodes, then fell asleep again. Then this morning, I'm having a hard time thinking of things that made me happy.

Guys, mom's not perfect and I do get these days sometimes. I want you to know that when you do get these days, I will always have your back. I can cook for you, clean for you, cuddle you -- do everything until you feel better. Because mom loves you no matter what, even when things are not okay. (That's just me -- imagine how much your Father in Heaven loves you, which is so so much more than mom 😉)

I love you!

Palm Sunday 2021

This year, because of the pandemic, we were not allowed to go on Visita Iglesia, not even to visit a single church to reflect on the stations of the cross. One of the thoughts that keep crossing my mind is that the responsibility of teaching you is now more evidently placed on me. Especially since all your classes are online and there is limited catholic school activities that teaches you about the faith.

So on Palm Sunday 2021, we set up our own modest stations of the cross. I let you read through all 14 stations. Then at the end of it, you said a short prayer thanking God for his sacrifices for us.

We also attended mass online. Thank God one of our neighbors offered to share their palm fronds so we were still able to make our palaspas.

All in all, it was a good celeberation. We agreed to watch Prince of Egypt (my childhood version was The Ten Commandments, but you might appreciate the animated version better 🙂) and The Passion of Christ (so we are reminded of Jesus' suffering for us).

I hope Mama and Dad instills in you the love of God. 😘

Grateful - March 29

1. Us celebrating Palm Sunday (details in another post)

2. Your shirts that dad and I made together 😍 I got the design and weeded, he ironed on the shirt.

3. Me realizing that every weekend, I trim your nails and clean your ears. And I am grateful that I have time for that. It's that one time in a week that I get to touch you individually, and serve you. One day, you will learn to do this on your own. My wish is that you won't forget the times I did it for you.

Love you guys!!

Grateful - March 28

1. Completing all errands yesterday - grocery, getting car docs notarized

2. Quick date with dad

3. Customizing my new cosmetic bag

the inspiration

the bag when I bought it

finished product ❤

Grateful - March 27

1. Hugs finally after being in insolation for a covid scare 😍

2. Jude (Xpander) documents were received yesterday.

3. Watched Monster in Paris with you guys - being grateful that I have this time to spend with you instead of catching up on work

Grateful - Mar 26

1. Progress on work tasks.

2. Having no covid symptoms despite being exposed to a Patient Under Investigation last Monday

3. Having time to watch a movie with you guyslast night

4. Hugs, finally! (After praying with alcohol and facing away 😅)

March 3

I may have depression.

I say "may" because I don't want to diagnose myself. But 2 years ago, I went through this and the psychiatrist told me I keep smiling on the outside, but I'm struggling inside.

I'm sorry that I had to have it. It means it now goes into your Family History. Doesn't mean you have to have it. But it means you have to work hard to not have it. Make sure you find out what makes you happy, and to not succumb to the worldly race. Eat healthy, exercise. Do these things I never found time for.

I keep thinking maybe it's just weakness of character. I don't know the answer yet. I want to prove to everyone that I am capable and strong. And this, this feeling that I have right now, where I only want to sleep the rest of the week away -- this is failing my expectations of myself. You taking care of me as I lie in bed with a headache, while I am grateful for, is failing my expectations as a parent. Sorry. Mom isn't perfect. I don't want you to have emotional baggages because I was weak.

Is it the narcissistic saboteur in me? Saying I am not fit, I am not worthy, I fail. Or is it really something I cannot control? Is it hormonal imbalance? Is it not my fault?



----- this was initially written March 3, 2021, but i lost my train of thought and left this open-ended. 🤷‍♀️ basta I love you and want you know that if you have these thoughts, just come home to me, please. If you are having difficulties finding something positive within you, just come home to mama. Because I know every little beautiful thing about you. (Eh mama lang ako, what more si Lord diba?) ---

March 19, 2021

You make me so proud. Always. 😘

Te amo!

March 6, 2021

I took up Physical Therapy in college. I cried over failed exams; I beat myself up over a failed subject. I did all I can to make sure I pass the board exams on the first try (because we literally couldn't afford a second one had I failed). BUT, I never really practiced PT for more than 2 years because I already joined Accenture immediately after boards.

I know what (most of) you're thinking right now. Sayang ang binayad sa colllege. I feel that way sometimes  too, and think of what could have been if I pursued PT.

Today, I brought our kasambahay who doesn't recognize letters and numbers to the opthalmologist. The doctor struggled to get a pain score from her. I can hear the frustration in his voice. But I was able to help by showing her a visual scale, something I learned some 15+ years ago. It's a small thing. But I felt God is helping me realize that some times He puts us in situations where we don't understand why things are happening. We constantly ask the rationale, but like the cliché goes, it's all part of His big plan.

I never would've understood pain scale, or kept (mostly) calm when Darwin or any member of our family were in health crisis, had it not been for the knowledge I gained in college. All my mentors contributed to me being able to digest medical jargons, and thus helped me to help the people I love.

So takeaway is: if you're currently going through something difficult, it might not be a failed subject or upcoming boards, know that God is preparing you for something. It might be hard to understand right now, but that's what faith is -- when you trust even when you are having difficulties to understand why.

I pray for your joy and healing. 😘