March 3

I may have depression.

I say "may" because I don't want to diagnose myself. But 2 years ago, I went through this and the psychiatrist told me I keep smiling on the outside, but I'm struggling inside.

I'm sorry that I had to have it. It means it now goes into your Family History. Doesn't mean you have to have it. But it means you have to work hard to not have it. Make sure you find out what makes you happy, and to not succumb to the worldly race. Eat healthy, exercise. Do these things I never found time for.

I keep thinking maybe it's just weakness of character. I don't know the answer yet. I want to prove to everyone that I am capable and strong. And this, this feeling that I have right now, where I only want to sleep the rest of the week away -- this is failing my expectations of myself. You taking care of me as I lie in bed with a headache, while I am grateful for, is failing my expectations as a parent. Sorry. Mom isn't perfect. I don't want you to have emotional baggages because I was weak.

Is it the narcissistic saboteur in me? Saying I am not fit, I am not worthy, I fail. Or is it really something I cannot control? Is it hormonal imbalance? Is it not my fault?



----- this was initially written March 3, 2021, but i lost my train of thought and left this open-ended. 🤷‍♀️ basta I love you and want you know that if you have these thoughts, just come home to me, please. If you are having difficulties finding something positive within you, just come home to mama. Because I know every little beautiful thing about you. (Eh mama lang ako, what more si Lord diba?) ---

March 19, 2021

You make me so proud. Always. 😘

Te amo!

March 6, 2021

I took up Physical Therapy in college. I cried over failed exams; I beat myself up over a failed subject. I did all I can to make sure I pass the board exams on the first try (because we literally couldn't afford a second one had I failed). BUT, I never really practiced PT for more than 2 years because I already joined Accenture immediately after boards.

I know what (most of) you're thinking right now. Sayang ang binayad sa colllege. I feel that way sometimes  too, and think of what could have been if I pursued PT.

Today, I brought our kasambahay who doesn't recognize letters and numbers to the opthalmologist. The doctor struggled to get a pain score from her. I can hear the frustration in his voice. But I was able to help by showing her a visual scale, something I learned some 15+ years ago. It's a small thing. But I felt God is helping me realize that some times He puts us in situations where we don't understand why things are happening. We constantly ask the rationale, but like the cliché goes, it's all part of His big plan.

I never would've understood pain scale, or kept (mostly) calm when Darwin or any member of our family were in health crisis, had it not been for the knowledge I gained in college. All my mentors contributed to me being able to digest medical jargons, and thus helped me to help the people I love.

So takeaway is: if you're currently going through something difficult, it might not be a failed subject or upcoming boards, know that God is preparing you for something. It might be hard to understand right now, but that's what faith is -- when you trust even when you are having difficulties to understand why.

I pray for your joy and healing. 😘