Today

I don't usually get off work during the holidays (company policy). But today is one of the rare occasions that I spent a holiday with you guys.

Now we're on the bed for our siesta on this rainy day. I just feel so blessed to be spending this day with you.

Happy Eid Mubarak! :) God bless us all!

Fever cases

M had fever this weekend. While tending to him, I get amazed with the realization that your dad and I are really raising 3 different individuals. How each of you react to sickness is unique, as your own personalities are starting to show.

• A - Super kawawa as he tends to just be quiet when sick. Not picky on who takes care of him. Oh but you barf your food when you were younger. Not really a pretty sight.
• I - Crybaby. You reason out when you do not want to drink medicine. You hate sponge baths (needed to bring down your fever). Oh my baby girl, I love you so, but really, you are a handful when you are sick. 
• M - This weekend, I was thinking if this is the first time you had fever (2 years old). High grade fever (highest at 39.9 deg C). Staring blankly, but responding to questions. Thank God, no convulsions. Still, I almost brought you to the hospital. Very cling to mama. Very sound sleeper. In the end, you only needed to rest and thankfully the fever subsided on the next day.

I love you chipmunks. My heart bleeds when anyone of you is sick. Minsan gusto ko kayo ihagis when you are being unreasonable, but I remind myself that maybe you are just uncomfortable, etc. I promise to help you take care of your own kids when karma kicks in -- just kidding! I wish good health and happiness to your families ofcourse.

Love you! Stay healthy! 

What if we are not blessing you?

Chipmunks, sharing an article from Bo Sanchez.

Your dad and I are not perfect and there might be times when you would feel that we are not blessing you. I'm sorry. I hope this doesn't happen. If it does, know that I love you and I regret this. The article below is not intended to make up for these times, but to remind you that the mistakes of others should not define you. You are strong. You are brave. You are loved.

All the best!
Mom

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"But What If My Family Isn't Blessing Me?”



A few weeks ago, I talked about how important it is for parents to bless their children.  To affirm.  To encourage.

But what if your parents don't bless you?

What if your family doesn't encourage you but discourage you?

What if the people closest to you call you names, insult you, and criticize you?

What if you're surrounded by people who don't believe in you?



Let me tell you one of my favorite stories.

One day, two frogs fell into a pit.

Frantically, the two frogs cried for help.  They kept jumping as high as they could, trying to get out of the hole.  But it was just simply beyond their reach.

The other frogs circled at the mouth of the pit.  Looking down, they saw the sorry condition of the two frogs, and began to yell, "It's too high.  Give up.  You're going to die anyway.”  (They were disciples of Eyeore the Donkey, friend of Winnie the Pooh.)  On and on, they chanted their depressing words.

After a few minutes, one frog finally stopped jumping.  He sighed a deep sigh, fell on its back, and died.

But the other frog kept jumping.  And with each leap, he became stronger and stronger.  Finally, he flew past the opening of the pit—and escaped!

The other frogs were so astonished.  They asked him, "Why didn't you give up?  It seemed hopeless.  We were even discouraging you the entire time!”

The happy frog said, "I can't hear you. I was born deaf.  By the way, even if I couldn't hear what you were all telling me, I knew you were cheering me on.  Thank you!”

Here's the lesson:  When people around you curse you—your parents, your siblings, your friends, your teachers, your leaders—turn a deaf ear.

It was Eleanor Roosevelt who said, No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.

Here's what you do: Transform their curses to become your inner fuel to reach your goals.

         



May your dreams come true,



Bo Sanchez

Note to self

You do not "deserve" to take a break or splurge at the expense of your kids' future.

This goes for splurging on purchases, or sleeping in, or being lax at work.

Rant

Best foreplay = whole body massage
Worst foreplay = making my kids cry so they will go to sleep ASAP.

Quick bits

Just taking a few seconds to tell you that I love sleeping next to the three of you. You are my world. May God bless you with wisdom and happiness as you grow up.

Mama loves you :)

2016 Birthday Fasting

I'm on the 2nd out of 5 days of my Birthday Fasting devotion. Figured I should have been done by now had I been more diligent in reading my Bible. I had been compliant with my commitments:

• No social media -- no Facebook, no Instagram
• No rice at dinner

In addition to 2nd item above, I also starting using the stairs more. There are days when I feel this is chickenfeed. There are days when I am almost tempted to call your dad to fetch me at the stairwell because it feels like my chest is going to explode!

Fasting from social media gives me instant gratification. I was able to zero out my unread non-work e-mail on the first day! I also started reading new books, watched a classic drama, and focus on work. Most importantly, though this still needs consistency, I am able to focus on the NOW.

• I feel proud when people compliment Miko when he eats on his own.
• I feel proud when I see Ate confidently join games at a party.
• I feel proud when Kuya is commended by his therapists, or when he insists to do things on his own.
• I went to the grocery with lolo, and noted that his face has indeed aged.

Some moments make me smile, others make me nostalgic.

I am happy to see you all grow up to be your own individuals -- you are starting to show your own quirks and traits, and I couldn't wait for you to be old enough to have mature conversations with me and dad. At the same time, I worry that time is slipping by so fast and I may be missing out on a lot of things. Please help me and remind me always that time spent together is the most important gift I can give to you. I love you guys. I hope I am able to fill in your memories with happy thoughts and love to last you even after I am gone.

On another note -- I love it when Ate asks me "Mommy, happy ka sa akin?" I started praying like that now. "Lord, happy ka ba sa akin?" I feel like I am trying to please a lot of people, but the One whose approval I should really be striving for is God's. 

Love you Guys! Watch out for a healthier me :)

Kuma Adonai hoshi'eni elohai

"Rise up, O Lord, save me, O my God"

When, how will you choose to deliver me, Lord?

I feel I am being used. Is this all I am worth?

Is this Your message for me this morning?

"To forgive means to cancel the debt. It doesn’t mean pretending that nothing wrong was done. It means acknowledging that wrong has been done, but you don’t expect the person to pay it back anymore. There's nothing that I blame you for. "

- Ptr. Joseph Bonifacio

Achievement Unlocked: Single Mom (Part 7)

You know what love is? Love is not about not being able to live without another person. It is being able to -- but not wanting to.

I, you need to be strong. You need to be brave. If there is one thing that I want to ingrain in you, it's no one should be able to make you feel that you are incapable of achieving any thing you set your mind to. As long as you do not step on other people, I will support you all the way, love. I grew up insecure and weak, and look at where I ended up. While I am thankful despite it all coz I ended up with my three chipmunks, I want you to be better and stronger than me. I want you to be brave and face up to your fears -- and I will be beside you every step of the way.

I love you, chipmunks. Let's stick together, shall we?

Achievement Unlocked: Single Mom (Part 6)

So today, Sunday, I dreaded waking up to lolo and lola's inquiry and advices for last night's ruckus. Unfortunately, they had their own quarrel in the morning so lola and I didn't talk about our husbands.

All the while, I was thinking, abuse is hidden, not talked about, swept under the rug. We pretend it doesn't exist and pray that it will just go away.

We made it through the day, we went to church and ate 3x a day, all without the help your dad. So there goes the title of this blog series -- I CAN BE A SINGLE PARENT, if needed. It is difficult, yes, but it can be done.

TO BE CONCLUDED.

Achievement Unlocked: Single Mom (Part 5)

They say battered wives get brainwashed that they seem to think that the cycle of abuse is what is norm. They say battered wives almost seem to depend on their abuser, and "look for" the abuse since they feel it is normal and should be tolerated.

I disagree.

Women who stay in abusive relationships are neither weak, dependent or brainwashed. They are courageous, loving and selfless. It is easy to prepare a "flight plan" -- where to go and what are the next steps when they decide to leave their abuser. BUT, when they consider other family members that might get hurt when the abuser runs amuck, they decide to stay. They stay and swallow their pride so that others may be safe. They pray for protection and take all the pain so that a others may be spared.

In the end, no one would rather sleep on the floor by the door, all the while thinking about how she stayed by her abuser's side during the days when he can barely breathe. And while he throws pillows at her, she keeps her position on the floor so that he cannot take their kids away in the middle of the night. Then to be "forgiven" through reconciliation sex a few days after. Months after, they discover she is pregnant again, and she thanks God that nothing bad has happened to the child in her womb during that gruelling night.

TO PART 6.

Achievement Unlocked: Single Mom (Part 4)

I opened the door to our room and, with no words, got I. Dad threw the stick he was hitting I with across the room as I went out.

I consoled I and gave her water to soothe her throat. We sat down on the wooden sala set as I was determined to sleep there with I. I knew an outburst is brewing.

I wasn't mistaken. A few minutes after, Dad got out and started berrating me. Does he interfere when I discipline you? No. Is he of no value to the household? I said no. He said I was always right, I was always making the decisions. It went on and on and on. I realized I already fell asleep in my arms, poor thing. She must have been tired from all the crying.

M and A went out of the room a few minutes after Dad and they heard a lot of the fighting and almost-shouting. I half-expected lolo and lola to come out, thankfully they didn't.

TO PART 5.

Achievement Unlocked: Single Mom (Part 3)

I know he will get angry if I interfered. This has happened a number of times already, always with I. I hate the cycle - him scaring I, I getting scared and crying, he berrates I for crying and scaring her even more. The cycle continues.

I tried to give Dad space and let him discipline I. But I had been crying for half an hour already, pleading and saying sorry. Dad doesn't listen and insists that saying sorry doesn't mean that all will immediately be well. I do not know how he envisions the night to stop.

If I stay in the room, I might think that I am not defending her. If I leave her, she might think I am abandoning her. But I couldn't stay and listen to her begging and saying sorry to Dad. I left the room and tried to calm down.

Finally, I could not take it any more. I started towards our room. I saw lola extending her hand from the door of their room, towards ours. I know she was praying over Dad. She could have just prayed in their room. Did it really sound that bad that she felt she had to physically come closer and extend her hand so that her prayers may be heard?

TO PART 4

Achievement Unlocked: Single Mom (Part 2)

M developed a boil on his head which popped last Saturday. He didn't want anyone to touch it, even his hair. He was restless and throwing tantrums. The last one was done right before sleeping. He was crying for close to an hour. Dad, who cooked the whole day, was letting me handle M. Eventually, M settled down and started getting ready to sleep.

All these time, Dad was playing with I on the iPad. When it was time to sleep, he asked I to put the iPad away. She complied then asked to sleep beside me and M. Dad threatened I that he will spank her if she doesn't sleep already. Ofcourse, she got scared and started crying. Dad will not hear of it and got angry all the more, threatening more spanks, which ignited more tears, and so on.

TO PART 3

Achievement Unlocked: Single Mom (Part 1)

This is a looong story.

Last Monday, Dad and I joined our parish's annual Visita Iglesia. We joined last year and I was able to convince him to join again this year. At each church, I was reciting very basic prayer intentions:

• Good health for our family
• Financial stability
• Good relationships between me and dad, us, lolo and lola, etc

You know how God takes your prayers and completely turns it around? For example, you ask for the gift of patience, then God goes and gives you a week of incompetent work colleagues and kids with tantrums.  The essence is -- He is giving you situations so you can exercise your patience. And just the physiology of the muscle -- if you exercise it enough, a day will come when the task (i.e. being patient) will not seem as hard anymore.

This is the reason why I no longer pray for patience.

Anyway, God seemed to focus on my relationship-building prayer and pounced on it. Because it the hours between Black Saturday and Easter Sunday, He allowed it to be strained.

TO BE CONTINUED.

Apologies

Dear C,

I have judged you. From the time you told me you were seeing a married man secretly, I judged you. When you told me you were the fruit of a second family, I succumbed to half-baked assumptions. When you were already dating openly, I was disappointed and felt angry "on behalf of his wife". When B got sick and I saw you were beside him every step of the way, I didn't know how I should feel. Should I be proud of you? Should I be praying for him and for your relationship, thinking that you are sinning all these time?

I'm sorry.

God has a way of talking to us and putting us in our place. I saw how his sisters honor you and acknowledge your efforts -- and suddenly, I realized that I do not know your whole story. I have let my assumptions blind me from seeing how you stayed by B's side through the best and worst times. I'm terribly sorry.

I hope I find the guts to tell these to you personally. But what I know is, when I see you again, I will hug you and tell you how proud I am of you. You have matured beyond your years. And while we may not agree on a number of things (including your relationship), I am still proud of you and B for making it through. I pray for his recovery, and your emotional strength. I pray for his kids and his wife. I pray for your relationship, that things may turn out for the best. I hope you find it in your heart to forgive me.

I love you, C. Be strong! God never gives us trials that we cannot handle, He always sends help along the way! 

For sad days

Excerpt from one of Bo Sanchez's articles. Please remember this whenever you feel insecure or inadequate -- you have a Father in heaven who loves you so much, and you have me on earth (or in your heart once I passed) who loves you just as much.

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"Friend, this is the ultimate reason why you need to like yourself.

Because you have a Father who loves you so much.

You're more important than all the stars in the sky.

You're more important than all the galaxies of this universe.

In the heart of God, nothing compares with you.

If He loves you this much, how can you not like yourself?"