Kuma Adonai hoshi'eni elohai

"Rise up, O Lord, save me, O my God"

When, how will you choose to deliver me, Lord?

I feel I am being used. Is this all I am worth?

Is this Your message for me this morning?

"To forgive means to cancel the debt. It doesn’t mean pretending that nothing wrong was done. It means acknowledging that wrong has been done, but you don’t expect the person to pay it back anymore. There's nothing that I blame you for. "

- Ptr. Joseph Bonifacio

Achievement Unlocked: Single Mom (Part 7)

You know what love is? Love is not about not being able to live without another person. It is being able to -- but not wanting to.

I, you need to be strong. You need to be brave. If there is one thing that I want to ingrain in you, it's no one should be able to make you feel that you are incapable of achieving any thing you set your mind to. As long as you do not step on other people, I will support you all the way, love. I grew up insecure and weak, and look at where I ended up. While I am thankful despite it all coz I ended up with my three chipmunks, I want you to be better and stronger than me. I want you to be brave and face up to your fears -- and I will be beside you every step of the way.

I love you, chipmunks. Let's stick together, shall we?

Achievement Unlocked: Single Mom (Part 6)

So today, Sunday, I dreaded waking up to lolo and lola's inquiry and advices for last night's ruckus. Unfortunately, they had their own quarrel in the morning so lola and I didn't talk about our husbands.

All the while, I was thinking, abuse is hidden, not talked about, swept under the rug. We pretend it doesn't exist and pray that it will just go away.

We made it through the day, we went to church and ate 3x a day, all without the help your dad. So there goes the title of this blog series -- I CAN BE A SINGLE PARENT, if needed. It is difficult, yes, but it can be done.

TO BE CONCLUDED.

Achievement Unlocked: Single Mom (Part 5)

They say battered wives get brainwashed that they seem to think that the cycle of abuse is what is norm. They say battered wives almost seem to depend on their abuser, and "look for" the abuse since they feel it is normal and should be tolerated.

I disagree.

Women who stay in abusive relationships are neither weak, dependent or brainwashed. They are courageous, loving and selfless. It is easy to prepare a "flight plan" -- where to go and what are the next steps when they decide to leave their abuser. BUT, when they consider other family members that might get hurt when the abuser runs amuck, they decide to stay. They stay and swallow their pride so that others may be safe. They pray for protection and take all the pain so that a others may be spared.

In the end, no one would rather sleep on the floor by the door, all the while thinking about how she stayed by her abuser's side during the days when he can barely breathe. And while he throws pillows at her, she keeps her position on the floor so that he cannot take their kids away in the middle of the night. Then to be "forgiven" through reconciliation sex a few days after. Months after, they discover she is pregnant again, and she thanks God that nothing bad has happened to the child in her womb during that gruelling night.

TO PART 6.

Achievement Unlocked: Single Mom (Part 4)

I opened the door to our room and, with no words, got I. Dad threw the stick he was hitting I with across the room as I went out.

I consoled I and gave her water to soothe her throat. We sat down on the wooden sala set as I was determined to sleep there with I. I knew an outburst is brewing.

I wasn't mistaken. A few minutes after, Dad got out and started berrating me. Does he interfere when I discipline you? No. Is he of no value to the household? I said no. He said I was always right, I was always making the decisions. It went on and on and on. I realized I already fell asleep in my arms, poor thing. She must have been tired from all the crying.

M and A went out of the room a few minutes after Dad and they heard a lot of the fighting and almost-shouting. I half-expected lolo and lola to come out, thankfully they didn't.

TO PART 5.

Achievement Unlocked: Single Mom (Part 3)

I know he will get angry if I interfered. This has happened a number of times already, always with I. I hate the cycle - him scaring I, I getting scared and crying, he berrates I for crying and scaring her even more. The cycle continues.

I tried to give Dad space and let him discipline I. But I had been crying for half an hour already, pleading and saying sorry. Dad doesn't listen and insists that saying sorry doesn't mean that all will immediately be well. I do not know how he envisions the night to stop.

If I stay in the room, I might think that I am not defending her. If I leave her, she might think I am abandoning her. But I couldn't stay and listen to her begging and saying sorry to Dad. I left the room and tried to calm down.

Finally, I could not take it any more. I started towards our room. I saw lola extending her hand from the door of their room, towards ours. I know she was praying over Dad. She could have just prayed in their room. Did it really sound that bad that she felt she had to physically come closer and extend her hand so that her prayers may be heard?

TO PART 4

Achievement Unlocked: Single Mom (Part 2)

M developed a boil on his head which popped last Saturday. He didn't want anyone to touch it, even his hair. He was restless and throwing tantrums. The last one was done right before sleeping. He was crying for close to an hour. Dad, who cooked the whole day, was letting me handle M. Eventually, M settled down and started getting ready to sleep.

All these time, Dad was playing with I on the iPad. When it was time to sleep, he asked I to put the iPad away. She complied then asked to sleep beside me and M. Dad threatened I that he will spank her if she doesn't sleep already. Ofcourse, she got scared and started crying. Dad will not hear of it and got angry all the more, threatening more spanks, which ignited more tears, and so on.

TO PART 3

Achievement Unlocked: Single Mom (Part 1)

This is a looong story.

Last Monday, Dad and I joined our parish's annual Visita Iglesia. We joined last year and I was able to convince him to join again this year. At each church, I was reciting very basic prayer intentions:

• Good health for our family
• Financial stability
• Good relationships between me and dad, us, lolo and lola, etc

You know how God takes your prayers and completely turns it around? For example, you ask for the gift of patience, then God goes and gives you a week of incompetent work colleagues and kids with tantrums.  The essence is -- He is giving you situations so you can exercise your patience. And just the physiology of the muscle -- if you exercise it enough, a day will come when the task (i.e. being patient) will not seem as hard anymore.

This is the reason why I no longer pray for patience.

Anyway, God seemed to focus on my relationship-building prayer and pounced on it. Because it the hours between Black Saturday and Easter Sunday, He allowed it to be strained.

TO BE CONTINUED.

Apologies

Dear C,

I have judged you. From the time you told me you were seeing a married man secretly, I judged you. When you told me you were the fruit of a second family, I succumbed to half-baked assumptions. When you were already dating openly, I was disappointed and felt angry "on behalf of his wife". When B got sick and I saw you were beside him every step of the way, I didn't know how I should feel. Should I be proud of you? Should I be praying for him and for your relationship, thinking that you are sinning all these time?

I'm sorry.

God has a way of talking to us and putting us in our place. I saw how his sisters honor you and acknowledge your efforts -- and suddenly, I realized that I do not know your whole story. I have let my assumptions blind me from seeing how you stayed by B's side through the best and worst times. I'm terribly sorry.

I hope I find the guts to tell these to you personally. But what I know is, when I see you again, I will hug you and tell you how proud I am of you. You have matured beyond your years. And while we may not agree on a number of things (including your relationship), I am still proud of you and B for making it through. I pray for his recovery, and your emotional strength. I pray for his kids and his wife. I pray for your relationship, that things may turn out for the best. I hope you find it in your heart to forgive me.

I love you, C. Be strong! God never gives us trials that we cannot handle, He always sends help along the way!